Gone Girl

Gone Girl ★★★★★

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

someone: hey—

me: I'm so much happier 😊😊😊 now that I'm dead😵💀. Technically 🤔missing🕵. Soon to be presumed dead😵💀. Gone👋🏻. And my lazy 💤 lying 😈 shitting 💩 oblivious 🙄husband 💑 will go to prison 🚓 for my murder 🔪🔪🔪. Nick Dunne took my pride and my dignity and my hope and my money💰. He took and took from me until I no longer existed. That's murder🔪🔪🔪. Let the punishment fit the crime. To fake a convincing murder 🔪🔪🔪 you have to have discipline💪. You befriend a local idiot💁. Harvest the details 👀📝 of her hundrum life and cram her with stories 📚 about your husband's 💑 violent temper 😡😡😡. Secretly create some money 💰 troubles: credit cards 💳, perhaps online gambling💻♠️♣️♥️♦️. With the help of the unwitting👱🏻, bump up⬆️⬆️ your life insurance💵. Purchase getaway car🚘. Craigslist. Generic. Cheap. Pay cash💵. You need to package 🎁 yourself so that people will truly mourn 😭😭😭 your loss. And America 🇺🇸 loves ♥️ pregnant 👶women 🚺. As if it's so hard to spread your legs. You know what's hard? Faking a pregnancy 👶. First, drain your toilet🚽. Invite pregnant 👶 idiot 💁 into your home 🏠 and ply her with lemonade 🍋🍋🍋. Steal 🤗 pregnant 👶 idiot's 💁 urine 🚽. Voilà! 🎉 A pregnany is now part of your legal medical record 🗃. Happy Aniversary💑🎉. Wait for your clueless ❔ husband 💑 to start his day 📆. Off he goes... 👋🏻 and the clock is ticking ⏱. Meticulously stage 🎭 your crime scene 🕵 with just enough mistakes to raise the specter of doubt 🤔. You need to bleed 💉. A lot💉💉. A lot, a lot💉💉💉💉💉. The head wound 🤕 kind of bleed 💉. A crime scene 🕵 kind of bleed 💉. You need to clean; poorly👎, like he 💑 would. Clean and bleed 💉, bleed 💉 and clean. And leave a Little something behind: a fire 🔥in July📆? And because you're you👸🏼, you don't 🚫 stop there. You need a diary 📒. Minimum three hundred 3️⃣0️⃣0️⃣ entries 📝 on the Nick and Amy 💑 story 💭. Start with the fairy-tale early days: those are true, and they're crucial. You want Nick and Amy to be likable💖. After that, you invent. The spending💸, the abuse👊🏻💥, the fear😱, the threat of violence🔪. And Nick thought he was the writer📝... burn it🔥, just the right amount. Make sure the cops 👮 will find it 🕵. Finally, honor tradition with a very special treasure 💎 hunt. And if I get everything right ➡️, the world 🌎🌍🌏 will hate 😡 Nick for killing 🔪🔪🔪 his beautiful 😇, pregnant 👶 wife 💑. And after all the outrage 😡😡😡, when I'm ready, I'll go out on the water 🌊 with a handful ✋🏻 of pills 💊💊💊 and a pocket full of stones. And when they find my body 💆🏼, they'll know: Nick Dunne 👱🏻 dumped his beloved 💑 like garbage 🚮, and she floated past all the other abused, unwanted, inconvenient women 🚺🚺🚺. Then Nick 👱🏻 will die 😵💀 too. Nick 👱🏻 and Amy 👸🏼 will be gone 👋🏻, but then we never really existed. Nick 👱🏻 loved a girl 🚺 I was pretending to be. "Cool 😎 girl 🚺". Men 🚹 always use that, don't they? As their defining compliment: "She's a cool 😎 girl 🚺". Cool 😎 girl 🚺 is hot 🔥. Cool 😎 girl 🚺 is game 🎲🎮. Cool 😎 girl 🚺 is fun 🎉. Cool 😎 girl 🚺 never 🚫🚫🚫 gets angry 😡 at her man 🚹. She only smiles ☺️ in a chagrined, loving 💕 manner. And then presents her mouth 👄 for fucking 👉👌. She likes 👍 what he likes 👍, so evidently he's a vinyl hipster 👨👓 who loves ❤️ fetish Manga 📚. If he likes girls gone wild 👙, she's a mall 🛍 babe who talks football 🏈 and endures buffalo wings 🍗 at Hooters 🍈🍈. When I met Nick Dunne 👱🏻 I knew he wanted "Cool 😎 girl 🚺". And for him, I'll admit: I was willing to try. I wax🕯-stripped my pussy 😽 raw. I drank canned beer 🍺 watching Adam Sandler 💩 movies 📼. I ate cold ❄️ pizza 🍕 and remained a size 👗 two 2️⃣. I blew him 🍆👄, semi-regularly. I lived in the moment. I was fucking game 🎲🎮. I can't say I didn't enjoy some of it. Nick 👱🏻 teased out in me things I didn't know existed. A lightness ☀️, a humor😂, an ease. But I made him smarter 🤓. Sharper. I inspired him to rise ⬆️ to my level. I forged the man 🚹 of my dreams 💭. We were happy 😊 pretending to be other people. We were the happiest 😊😊😊 couple 👫 we knew. And what's the point of being together if you're not 🚫🚫🚫 the happiest 😊😊😊😊? But Nick 👱🏻 got lazy 💤. He became someone I did not 🚫🚫🚫 agree to marry 👰🏼. He actually expected me to love ❤️ him unconditionally. Then he dragged me, penniless 💵🚫, to the navel of this great country 🇺🇸 and found himself a newer, younger 👧🏼, bouncier cool 😎 girl 🚺. You think I'd let him destroy 👎👎👎 me and end up happier 😊😊😊 than ever? No 🚫🚫🚫🚫fucking way. He doesn't ❌ get to win 🏆. My cute ☺️, charming 😉, salt-of-the-earth Missouri guy. He needed to learn 📝📚. Grown-ups 👱👴 work 💪 for things. Grown-ups 👱👴 pay 💵💵💵. Grown-ups 👱👴 suffer consequences 😖.

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