Ready Player One

Ready Player One ★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

Alright kiddos, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride, so hold on to ya butts.
(See what I did there was I was poking fun at the movie cause 2 words of that sentence were my own, the rest references.)

If you’re unfamiliar with the idea of ‘the uncanny valley’ this sensory overload of a “film” will catch you right up to speed in a 2 hour & 20 minute crash course on it. Which funnily enough the gaming industry hasn’t had an issue with for the last 5 or so years but anyways.

If you’ve played like 5 AAA titles from the last 2 years or maybe 4 games from the 80s boom you’ll totally get all the cool and hip references fellow kids. *gif goes here*
[Screaming Internally & Externally]
I can’t count the missed opportunities in this movie like: Doom Planet but no DOOM Guy??? FML. I don’t think I heard a single Wilhelm scream.
Then we’ve got the AR from Halo (not even the iconic energy sword but anyways) didn’t even make the right fucking sound. THE Gun from Gears of War, solid 2 seconds of screen time. Fucking throw a reference to Worms and a few of those shit fighting games. BAM! How about some Batman stuff? that’s also a movie! we won’t lose 60% of the audience to these whack references they don’t get.
But hey guys don’t worry we got the fucking toad from Battle Toad, NO ONE PLAYED THAT GAME!!
Nice we’ve got the 14-25yr olds sorted.
Got like Adventure or some boring Atari game to get the 50 yr old nerds.

A studio of like twenty old white men all thought it’d be a good idea to green light this shit smear of nostalgia. They must have realised really quick how much the rights to those assets (from a medium they don’t know) cost, cause my favourite character was Tracer who appeared 5 times all centre frame, (like come on, everyone knows you don’t main Tracer it’s Hanzo you noobs.) Got the Master Chief like 6 times. Bunch of horror dudes from movies (OOoooOh but like Friday the 13th is a game now! - Well it’s as shit as the movie, and that movie is trash). what’s a mario? WHAT? HOW MUCH? tell nentando to suck one I ain’t giving them the budget for that; it’s just a game why’s this shit so expensive???

And those characters! Why’d you half-assed explore the real world but completely ignore the opportunity that was the 30yr old black woman playing as some dude cyborg? And the dialogue around the birthmark, she said it didn’t bother her she’s had it since birth?!!? The whole thing was an absolute mess of terrible dialogue.
Then it goes on for 20 minutes too long aaaaaaaah.

And what a brilliant idea, let's buy the rights to a book which is so heavily aimed at the toxic individuals that gave rise to the #GamerGate shit storm a little over 3 years ago, they play games they won’t remember that…

Now let's get back to the movie part of this movie. Spielberg STOP bruv, you’re so far past your prime. I’ll give you Super 8, but you should’ve stopped in the mid 90s. This “film” is a perfect example of everything wrong with modern Hollywood. Y'all heard of the 3 AcT stRuCtuRE¿?? How about the hErOS jOurNeY??¿? I’m sorry, but you can’t really be original or be revolutionary if you’re spitting out the same shit we’ve seen since the 50s but with a different coat of paint and a new shiny set of CG rims.

I could shout about this fucking mess of cinema for weeks.
But if you loved this mess, you’ll be delighted to know that Cline’s second book has been green-lit to become a film. That one is a crash course in plagiarism (Enders Game did it first).

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