Gummo ★★★★★

"everyday, it's getting closer;
going faster than a rollercoaster"

i saw gummo for the first time in october of last year. to be honest, i was sort of obsessed with it before i even watched it for the first time. i remember seeing the opening scene somewhere when i was 14 or so and it really stuck with me. so maybe i'm biased, i thought. was gummo really that good?

when i first saw this movie i'd been disassociating a lot. i couldn't remember the last time i'd felt like i was really there, like my brain was really connected to my body. i was always quiet and disengaged. i tried everything, and nothing made me feel real. i watched gummo on a rainy afternoon, alone in my house, and decided to go for a walk when it was over.

i was going up my usual route, when i stopped. and i took a deep breath. and the air really went into my lungs, i could feel it. i could smell the wet pavement and i could hear kids yelling from their backyards. i felt like i was there, really.

i walked around in awe for a while. i noticed details about the streets i walked down everyday that i never noticed before. i thought about why this was happening, and i realized: it's because i finally felt like i wasn't the only one who'd ever noticed them. i felt heard, in the strangest way. i had never realized i was talking to an empty room before that day. i don't even think i realized how important the movie was till i took that breath. 

it's only april now. somehow i feel a lot older. i'm not sure about a lot of things, but on my first rewatch, i'm sure about one: gummo really is that great. so check it out. to be fair, you'll probably hate it (and i wouldn't blame you). but maybe, you'll be able to breathe again, too.

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