Doom Asylum

Doom Asylum ½

80s movies can get past awful acting, plots and whatever else if the gore is good and fun. Not this one though, as the gore is fine at best save for one fun buzz-saw kill, and all the other elements are so, so, SO bad.

Good lord. For a 78 minute film, everything takes so long. This is very painful as you desperately want everyone to die as this is quite possibly the worst collection of slasher teens ever created. I say “created” but their character design began and ended at “some sort of highly annoying quirk”.

Kristin Davis has her debut here, and I do not know how she got any other work afterwards, every single one of her lines is like nails on a chalkboard, and her facial expressions are that classic “I am supposed to be acting!” awkwardness. The boyfriend of the sort-of lead girl is truly bizarre, with their quirk being talking in oddities. It does give us the line “I’ll be back in a flash, unless it takes longer”, which nearly made me fall over from laughing. Sounded like an Inspector Clouseau line.

Sadly, none of the other comedy is intentional and if it is trying to be funny, it just comes across as grating. They also keep cutting to old movies that the killer is watching for no apparent reason except to fill time I expect.

If this was played as a silent film with much better music than the tinny, repetitive crap we got; it could be decent schlock. But alas, there is dialogue and it was more painful and wince-inducing than any of the kill scenes, which are devoid of any setup, tension or any emotion whatsoever.

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