The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 ½

"'Nessie'?! You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?! - Bella Swan

Just when you think that this series had already scraped the bottom of the barrel in terms of cinematic 'chroniqueness' (and lo and behold, a new phrase was coined) with New Moon, this bilge comes along. This...this deluge of...what's the word?...dross is, without doubt, one of the worst films ever made.

Let me begin with the constant use of CGI. In favour of any physical presence of anything, the film-makers replace everything with visual effects. This list includes babies, meadows, young children, rocks and landscapes. It is the most arrogant, ignorant assault of CGI I've ever seen, and it seems adamant that it can get away scott-free with its crimes against cinema.

The acting in The Twilight Saga has never been what you could call good, but this is a staggering amount of under-playing in places and fatty ham elsewhere. Kristen Stewart has learned to smile slightly, but this is all the improvement that there is. Pattinson does very little else other than smirk and widen his eyes in surprise, and Michael Sheen is devastatingly terrible, giving Ralph Fiennes' almightily embarassing cackle in Deathly Hallows Part 2 a run for its money. Billy Burke has always been the best and most stoic member of the Twilight cast, and he's by far the star of the show here. But, as you can probably guess, that really isn't saying much.

The storytelling of this film is beyond bad. With an entire cast of supporting characters being introduced in the most ham-fisted way within five minutes, the plot is completely incoherent, and it doesn't take long for the viewer to be lost in the midst of fantasy jargon and clumsy pseudo-mythology. Some characters are defined by borderline racist stereotypes (the Irish characters are ginger and wear flat-caps), while others only talk about one subject and insert that central idea into every single line that they're given, making this one of the most shambolic screenplays I've ever had the displeasure to hear.

There's a rather disturbing fetish for decapitation here, too. Not a single instance of violence ends without someone or something getting their head pulled off or neck broken. Even though this is strictly within a fantasy context, this is pretty sick and just plain lazy. With the climactic battle sequence being entirely new to the story (the source material ends without any bloodshed whatsoever), there is little effort or attempt to be creative with any demise, leaving the result being horribly repetitive and predictable.

However, on the brightside, I laughed an awful lot. Shot in a low budget, Sci-Fi channel style, there is an abundance of unintentional hilarity. As much fun as the laughs are though, it really makes you wonder what $120,000,000 was actually spent on.

So, it's over. I've done my time. I can leave this saga now. I can put it to bed. It's just a damn shame it ends on such a low.

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