SH (Taylor's Version)’s review published on Letterboxd:
(written from my own mental health journal so excuse if it gets too personal)
I. Everything About the Film
Everything, Everywhere, All at Once is truly just everything I ever wanted it to be and more. No words are close to defining the ethereal spiritual experience I had while watching this alone (while my mom played Tongits behind me and my father fell asleep on the couch). When I say you're not the same person you were afer this film, I MEAN IT. This film… is beyond my understanding really, it’s like it wasn’t made by a human, or maybe because it feels like the most human film of all time. The film begs not to be watched, but to be experienced, an out-of-body, heavenly awakening of the soul. I am not even exaggerating at this point, people can tell me I’m sugarcoating a bit or using too big words but in all my life, I’ve never seen a film that has ever brought me to a state of mind like this. EEAAO needs its own word to describe the feeling of watching this film for the first time to be honest. I really wish I was one of the many people that experienced this in a cinema to share the tears, the laughter, the whole experience. This movie belongs not just on the Top 1 of any ranking I’ll ever have, this film stays in my heart, in my mind, and in my soul. I hope the Daniels know what they’ve done to me and to the world of cinema after creating this film. The performances, the effects and costumes from a budget that’s not even close to half of the lowest budget that a Marvel movie has, the message, the writing, the jokes, the emotional and memorable quotes; all flawless and perfect. While watching this I only felt one thing, and it is everything, everywhere, all at once
II. Everything I Wanted to Joke About
I thought about a lot of things to review for this film, especially jokes and a lot of one-liners but trust me, to even just estimate your experience of this film in a one-line joke or phrase is an understatement of what this movie deserves, but I’ll still put down all the jokes I wanted to make.
- so all this time, when I did some batshit crazy random thing, I was just trying to learn taekwondo from a different universe? finally something to tell my therapist
- i have never cried over rocks since that time i was mining diamonds and it fell on lava in Minecraft
- i have never cried over rocks this hard since Steven Universe
- when taylor swift said “i dont wanna look at anything else now that i saw you, i dont wanna look at anything else now that i thought of you” i felt that when i first saw this film
- i refuse to believe there is a universe out there where this film doesn’t exist and this film did not win Oscar for Best Picture, i will literally sacrifice my soul for this
- i love how we can all agree that mommy issues is a universal experience
- to think that people compare this to a Marvel film as if we could ever watch the Avengers fight with dildos against Thanos who has a butt-plug in his ass
- i, too, just wanna be a rock rolling off a cliff sometimes
- i think if somebody told me i was the worst version of myself in all the universes, i wouldn’t have denied it because every universe is the worst if i never get to date Sebastian Stan
- it’s always ‘in another life, i would be happy just doing laundry and taxes with you’ but never, ‘in another life, i would memorize all Taylor Swift songs and watch all the chick-flick romance films with you’
III. Everything I Felt After This
I am not mentally okay. Everything about this film is a direct attack to all the personal and vulnerable factors in my life. I am queer and Asian with mommy issues (to think that my favorite film is I Killed My Mother should probably already say a lot about me) and this film hit harder than I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I experienced a thousand paper cuts in the heart or I just got slapped by a dildo to be honest. I am in love with movies that invoke so many emotions but this one packs them all.
If I’m being honest, I’ve never actually cried heavily from a film, it takes so much to put me to tears, the last time I’ve cried was with Nawapol’s Heart Attack which btw wasn’t even technically a cry, it was just a teardrop falling and a lot of chills for minutes. Nothing can match the emotions I felt in the second half of this film. I was full-on sobbing with waterfalls flowing from my eyes. I couldn’t hold it in, it was just too personal when I knew that my mother would never understand something like this. Even the day after watching, she called me out cus she heard me crying (and in our family, we laugh when we see someone cry?? I don’t know why it’s an inside joke that clearly visualizes why we never talk about our feelings here), and instead of asking why, she just told me the movie was very confusing and she never got why I was sad (Maybe if you actually pay attention to dialogue and be a good mother, you would know :D). This film moved me to tears like I lost a loved one, but in reality, I gained something else; a new perspective in life.
IV. Everything I Realized Today
Over the course of 6 months from today, I went through this ‘manic, uncontrollable force of love’ as I can easily describe it. I went on various apps and websites and I guess looked for love in the randomest of strangers, and listened when I say that this does not have happy endings, at all. I’ve met guys who told me that they didn’t like me physically and my body does not match my personality at all, which lowered my self-esteem and started experimenting on myself and many others. I’ve caused a lot of distress on others, some I may have mentally and emotionally scarred and traumatized while some scarred and traumatized me back. It’s a lot to process really, these collective of people I experienced gave me a lot of insight on who I am or what I want to be.
For context, I am self-diagnosed with BPD and I think this has made me the monster that I see myself as in all my relationships. I push people away easily because of my abandonment issues and find flaws in the relationship so I can have a reason to leave immediately. I often change my personality in a way that caters the wants and needs or radiates the energy that the one I’m talking to has. I don’t have a sense of self-identity, most days I don’t really feel like I am who I am, nor do I even know who I really am. I just live life projecting these personality traits and ideas into people and live the person like it’s me, but sometimes I feel alienated in my own mind and body. I guess that’s why I like this film because my life often feels like Jobu Tupaki. I feel like I’m experiencing a life that’s never mine or in my control, and I have lived so many different versions of me all at once that it feels scary and heavy never really knowing who I am or who I could be. BPD is a lot like experiencing all multiverses at the same time.
My BPD also comes with a strange impulsivity and bad decision-making that makes me overthink many elements of every decision, so there’s no denying that if the multiverse does exist because of every decision we make, I probably have too many versions of myself to count. I often overthink about my past and future, never really focusing on the present. I am stuck in the past because I feel like it’s what defines me, and flashbacks of many bad decision-making skills flash in my mind and I can’t escape these thoughts sometimes and I often daydream different lives that I would have lived if I did something else, and that does put a lot of chaos in my mind. I often find myself stuck in the future as well because I have this tendency to look through predictions. Not gonna confirm that I’m psychic or clairvoyant or anything but it gets really weird when I have these frequent deja vu moments where I feel like I’ve already seen many outcomes in my life.
To summarize, I guess one of the biggest reasons I love this film so much is that a personality disorder of mine makes this film feel semi-autobiographical besides the kung-fu and dildos, I guess life is a huge mess of convoluted time, identities, relationships and many things for me, and I’m just glad that even if it’s not the point of the film, i find solace with the self-awareness that I gain from movies like this.
V. Everything About My Mom
I know it’s too ambitious of me to think she’d understand this film, or how I feel, or anything for me. She has never really shown any ounce of interest in my life unless it directly affects her or regarding money. And then, she immediately forces ideas on me, like how she wants me to be an engineer or nurse because it’s more realistic jobs than writing and songwriting. It’s like she just wants to teach me what to think, instead of how to think. And that’s always been how our relationship was, if it doesn’t benefit or affect us, we show no interest in each other. We have no communication in many things, especially with our feelings. I don’t feel safe in opening up to her and telling her things that I wish she knew. Most of the time I just imagine what my life would be like if I had a good relationship with my mother, but I’m stuck in this universe anyway. Most days, I feel like Jobu Tupaki just waiting to be sucked into the void of a dark bagel, waiting for my mother to show interest in pulling me out. These thoughts get scary sometimes, and I don’t have anyone to talk about it or show it, and it’s sad because I can’t even trust my own parents with my real feelings and emotions, and I thought blood was thicker. All I know now is this movie paved a path for me, to try to be the better son, live not to the expectations of my mom, but to be free from the chains she put me in, and live on my standards, rules, and mind. This film will be a reminder for me that I am only a small shitty human who shouldn’t have to deal with the shit that she puts me up with, and I’m so tired all the time but I have to be strong and find my own home and family in the future.
VI. Everything I Do and Learned
If you’ve read my Heart Attack (2013) New Year update review, I guess you know by now that I went through a tough and long relationship that was toxic, traumatizing, and damaging for me and my heart at that time which I guess I can blame for the domino effect that caused me to run into every man I’ve ever encountered throughout these past 6 months. I partially blame myself for everything, my BPD turns me into this monster that pushes people away after luring them into this false romantic trance that I can’t hold onto. I have a lot of commitment issues, abandonment issues, and I’m still trying to cope with that, with everything that I carry inside me.
I am currently journaling my thoughts and reflections every now and then (much like this whole review which is just a journal entry of mine because I often talk about big events that made me feel big things here in my journal). I now channel negative thoughts and energy from my life and into the songs and albums that I’ve written and I’m proud of the progress I make with currently 36 completely written songs. I also cut off bad habits in my life now, like staying away from games to stop the addiction and feeding the itchy stimulus in my brain and just decide to confront the thoughts I get in my head through journaling and reaching out to a best friend of mine. I also need to constantly remind myself that ‘not every guy I meet is a potential romantic interest’ because I’m in the part of the story where I need to think about myself and create positive patterns and invite positive people for me.
This movie is a lot like me. I am an emotional rollercoaster. I am many things all at once. I am an unstable path of chaos and beauty all in one body. I am thankful this film exists. It was truly a spiritual awakening for me to cope, confront, and create better chapters in my life, and never let the nihilistic part of me be in control. I need to focus on the path to a healthy mind of my own, and finally be ready to open myself to my own Waymond in the future. I really wanna tell people that this is the movie that we need to see at least once in our lives.
now if you'll excuse me, im gonna jump verse my way out of needing therapy