Steve G 🇵🇸’s review published on Letterboxd:
In which Jeff Goldblum acts the shit out of getting on a subway train.
I had never really had much intention of watching any of the sequels to Jurassic Park, having rarely heard much positive said about them. But with the realisation that, when it comes to monster movies, I often am a lot more forgiving of these kinds of films than most, I thought it would be daft to not give all of them at least one spin.
As it transpires, this is a pretty bad film. It's a misguided mixture of badly trying to redo some of the things that made the original so good and making a right mess of some new ideas. If that wasn't bad enough, it then brings back the only bad idea in the original, and that is of the shoehorning of an irritating child into a film. Sure, there's only one of them this time round but in many ways she's doubly fucking annoying.
Steven Spielberg figures, perhaps rightly, that having already seen the dinosaurs in the original that he shouldn't arse around taking his time before he reveals them. Yet speed is rarely of the essence at any other point in this film. It's full of oddly drawn out scenes that are supposed to be thrilling but, because they're so elongated, they just become dull and stupid. How many fucking times do they slip down that rope before they climb up? And just how does that small jeep pull two big trailers, one of which is hanging off a bloody cliff, even an inch? Even in films like this, you have to draw a line of logic somewhere.
There's also the stupidly extended scene where Peter Stormare, once again indeterminately accented as he seems forever meant to be, gets killed by a bunch of baby velociraptors. Why not just kill him the first time? Why prolong this chase AT ALL? Spielberg seems to be constantly stalling for time here and I don't know what he's even stalling for, it's not like there's anything really good to delay us getting to.
Additionally, most of the cast are absolute twats so there's absolutely nobody likeable outside of Goldblum, Julianne Moore and hahahaha Vince Vaughn. Just a procession of bastards. the worst of which is meant to be Arliss Howard, but he's just extremely irritating more than anything. Pete Postlethwaite is Bob Peck mk. 2 but unfortunately for him gets saddled with a bald cap, shit dialogue and a memory loss on how to act. The same memory loss that seems to have befallen Moore, who is amazingly bad here, although again weighed down by terrible dialogue.
Maybe memory loss also befell Spielberg on how to direct. Throwing away the enormous potential of DINOSAURS IN THE CITY on a boring last stretch is a massive waste. Couple that to the fact that these dinos seem to have gotten really dumb in the 4 years since we first bumped into them and The Lost World, save for a predictably enjoyable Goldblum experience and one or two decent chases, is really quite shit.