Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Ascending ★½

The Letterboxd Era Catch-Up 3: Steve Dies At The End

52 Films Directed by Women 2 (45/52)

I think we finally need to face the fact that the Wachowskis are shit.

Everything since Bound has been a run of stupid bollocks and, quite honestly, I can only assume that Bound was a fluke now. Or they need to stop making really fucking dumb fantasy and sci-fi movies and go back to making smart crime movies. And I'm not just saying that because smart crime movies are the greatest.

Of course, I wasn't expecting Jupiter Ascending to be any good but I always wanted to know what was the story behind that poster. I've been wondering that ever since it started appearing on the sides of buses back in 2015. Why is Channing Tatum standing like that? Is he doing it in a threatening fashion? Is he about to make a pass at Mila Kunis? If so, why does she seem to be completely unaware of it? Furthermore, who commissioned this awful poster in the first place?

Because the film doesn't actually answer any of these questions. It starts bad, with some appalling dialogue, and then never really gets much better thereafter. The action is sporadically interesting but scenes tend to go on too long and the technology used in them seems to adhere to absolutely no rules at all and is just an arbitrary hodge-podge of ideas.

It briefly tries to go all The Fifth Element in the middle when Kunis is trying to get her princess licence or something but promptly gives up on that for more drivel. I'd say that it could have done with more humour but as there's nothing funny going on as it is, maybe that would have been a bad idea. It's absolutely mind-numbing in terms of plot and long, drawn out scenes of tedium to the next stupid bit of action.

The performances aren't as bad as had been made out, in fairness. They've made Tatum look a right tit but somehow he manages to wring some dignity out of his lot here, Kunis elevates it somewhat with her grounded performance, and there's a large selection of British character actors who I was happy to see, and all of whom were allowed to use their own accents. Which was nice.

Then there's Eddie Redmayne, doing his best impression of Ted Lowe. He's fucking rotten. But then again, so is this, so maybe he's the only who truly gets what's happening here. Someone had to, I guess.

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