• Uncharted


    One star might be harsh, because it's not an actively boring film, so not a slog to get through, but it answers the question: what does Uncharted set out to do, and what does it actually achieve? The answers are, respectively: nothing, and nothing.

    I'm not going to dismiss games as artless or without meaning. That said, you can more easily forgive a game for, say, an uninspiring story, unremarkable characters, being thematically hollow if the gameplay is good. In…

  • The Northman

    The Northman


    I think as well as the living off the land thing, and the having to enact and encounter brutal violence thing, and that I'd have to have any sort of physical strength thing, what would make me the shittest viking would be the animal noise stuff. I wouldn't be able to get into it. "You're a bear wolf!" "I'm not, I'm not going to roar, it's too weird. You can if you want! I'm fine though."

    Anyway: pretty good stuff…

  • The King's Man

    The King's Man

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    So this is a sombre story of a pacifist (Ralph Fiennes) who loses his wife during one war, and then struggles when another war rises. His son is desperate to fight: he wants to protect his country. The pacifist tries to stop his son, but can't; he tries to use his connections to move his son to a safer post, but the son refuses, and shortly after, tragically and senselessly dies.

    He's lost in grief, but ultimately overcomes it, and…

  • Kingsman: The Golden Circle

    Kingsman: The Golden Circle

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    As with the first, the action here looks dreadful. MCU films have an action problem in where everything is CGed to the extreme and no one gives a shit about staging interesting action; Matthew Vaughn cares very deeply about staging interesting action, but does so extremely badly. The Golden Circle repeats the first film's trick of continuous, careening, impossible-to-achieve shots achieved through CG and stitching takes together, be it in fight scenes, or car chases, or fight scenes in cars…

  • Police Story

    Police Story


    Does some pretty ordinary plotting matter when the stunts and action choreography are this good? Evidently not!

  • Benedetta





    As a joke, because she went to Catholic schools in the 60s and early 70s with horrid Irish nuns, so is interested in nun-related media, I hold my mother "oh I saw a movie about nuns the other day!"

    So now on top of all the other problems in my life I have to figure out how to stop my mum from watching Benedetta.

  • Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

    Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday


    Halloween 5 was followed by Nightmare 6 (Freddy’s dead) then by Friday 9 (Jason Goes to Hell) and all three threw in a bunch of extra mythology in those entries. Halloween has… weird cult shit that was mostly cut, and a psychic connection between Myers and his niece; this and Freddy’s dead have heretofore unknown family members who are key to the defeat of the villains. Also there’s a mystical dagger in this one, which: sure. Introduce a mystical dagger to the proceedings.

    It’s all pretty silly and unnecessary!

  • The Humans

    The Humans



  • The Batman

    The Batman


    Decent! Make more superhero movies that are pieces of genre filmmaking rather than just another entry in a series with fan service bullshit thrown in! (There is still some fan service bullshit, don’t get me wrong.)

  • The Dentist 2

    The Dentist 2


    I have made a habit of watching a Dentist film every time I have a wisdom tooth extraction. Thankfully I am out of both wisdom teeth and Dentist films.

  • Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

    Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare


    The most convoluted entry, which is saying something, with Kruger at his least intimidating and most quippy, which is also saying something, but nonetheless, it delivers was these silly films should. It also has as an on-the-nose 3D section, and a Nintendo Power Glove reference???????

    These are both positives.

    The Roseanne Barr appearance is the scariest thing here.

  • The Rock

    The Rock


    Ambulance makes more sense politically after seeing this. Bay has, at once, a very, very deep love of The Cops and The Troops but a deep mistrust of American authority. Even though.... police and military are used to enforce American authority. It's best not to overthink it; Bay certainly doesn't.

    Any, fun 90s action (though my favourite kind of 90s film is and will always be the Problematic Sex Thriller) that has a brief sojourn, for some reason, into a Donkey Kong Country mine cart level at one point.