House of Gucci

House of Gucci ★★★

What to say about this comatose trainwreck of a film... Gaga ate those octogenarians UP, including Ridley Scott, whose days of high suspense are long behind him. The only reason I’m alright with the movie being at least an hour longer than it needed to be is because we got more Ga outfits (ski suit, blue sundress and lesbian murder trucker fit were highlights). The soundtrack is what solidifies this movie as camp, down to the random asf Tracy Chapman outro and the back-to-back-to-back Donna Summer songs 20 minutes in. Tom Ford was basically a leading character, nothing about Salma’s character made literally any sense, and Jared Leto set an example for how Americans should make an Italian murder drama: with absolutely no concerns of offending anybody. 

I understand the desire to make the movie feel true-to-life and like a “serious” Oscar contender, but I really think it could have used some more Glorification of Murder. It’s the most interesting part of the story! And it barely felt like a plot point compared to all the bureaucracy of the Gucci company 😴. Also, more yelling. I wish everyone yelled more. 

But honestly it was worth the $75 million budget to see Gaga truly transform, unlike anything she’s done before. I was worried about her being too young for the final parts of the movie, but I swear her face literally shifted to look more like Patrizia, it was kind of creepy.

Don’t really know what else to say except I appreciated the hot men in the ensemble, and I couldn’t stop laughing at Al Pacino repeatedly telling Gaga and Adam Driver to “Come to New York” in a hushed tone for no apparent reason (they cut the Studio 54 scene!) Also appreciated Gaga going out of her way to make Patrizia a power bottom. Looking forward to the seminal bathtub scene in her next film.

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