Bullitt ★★★★½

There was a time when I used to think I was cool. But I was never cool. My kind of cool was like three kids stacked up on each other’s shoulders wrapped in a trench coat and fedora. I might’ve been able to fake it for a bit, but before long, that trench coat would inevitably split open and those nerdy little scamps would come spilling out. 

How about you? Do you think you’re cool? Do you think you’re as cool as Frank Bullitt? Well, heck, why don’t you take the Official Frank Bullitt Cool Test™ and find out? And don’t worry, you don’t have to drive a ‘68 Mustang GT or be shacking up with Jaqueline Bisset—anyone can look cool doing those things. No, the Official Frank Bullitt Cool Test™ measures coolness on a more accurate scale, definitively separating the McQueen’s from the McWeenies. Here we go:

Can you rock - and I mean, like, Ride the Lightning kind of ROCK - matching pajamas and big cozy cardigans?

Can you say “Take it slow” instead of “Take it easy” and not sound like a total poseur?

Can you hang out in jazz flute bars or have a glass of milk with a halved PBJ and still come off as a Bad Mother Fucker? 

If you answered yes to all three of those questions, then you’re almost there! One last question and you’re as cool as Frank Bullitt:

Are you on the internet right now taking a made-up test to see if you’re as cool as Frank Bullitt?

Oof. Sorry, dude.

Not as cool.

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