Sam has written 28 reviews for films rated ★★ .

  • Things Heard & Seen

    Things Heard & Seen

    ★★

    Things seen: this movie
    Things heard: me yawning

    At least Amanda wasn't married to Kevin Bacon this time.

  • Godzilla vs. Kong

    Godzilla vs. Kong

    ★★

    Gay son or thot daughter?

  • The Boy

    The Boy

    ★★

    Say you want about Jared Kushner but he really held his own as the doll here.

  • Moxie

    Moxie

    ★★

    Well behaved teenagers rarely make interesting movies.

    Moxie is the exact opposite of a classic (but dated) film that's hard to fully enjoy because of its now-problematic content. The writers were clearly petrified to put a foot wrong or speak out of turn even once, and for that reason it’s dead on arrival. So woke it’s... comatose.

    And even then, its attempts at representation fall completely short. There's POC girls, lesbian girls, trans girls, disabled girls, but they're all just there – relegated to the side-lines of a white girl's rose-tinted revolution.

  • All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

    All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

    ★★

    Tries to make a comment on the male gaze for about 15 minutes before pivoting to schlocky slasher fare – sort of like if one of those little blonde bitches from The Virgin Suicides randomly decided to murder the boys across the street.

  • Hell Fest

    Hell Fest

    ★★

    Actually very similar to Thorpe Park Fright Nights, in that they’re fun in concept but ruined by the sheer number of assholes they attract (looking at you, Taylor).

    And the killer... please. If you can’t think of anything creepier than a man in a mask humming ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’, you should probably think a little harder. Snooze Fest.

  • Valentine

    Valentine

    ★★

    Katherine Heigl performs an autopsy in a tank top. David Boreanaz lurks in corners like a bad Scooby-Doo villain. The killer wears a Cupid mask and shoots arrows. Need I say more?

    Valentine is as camp as a row of tents, and while that's certainly no bad thing, the rest of the film is disappointingly tepid and derivative to the point of self-parody. Lowkey iconic but highkey terrible, you might say.

    It is a great time capsule for the early noughties though. There's a corny pre-9/11 innocence that you don't see much these days. Figures.

  • Malcolm & Marie

    Malcolm & Marie

    ★★

    Oh goody, another argument. These two sure know how to suck the air out of a black-and-white room, don't they? I can't stand movies where people act like their love (or worse, their art) is the single most important thing in the world. A better name might’ve been 'star-crossed narcissists'.

    Though neither Malcolm nor Marie are the true narcissists here. As others have pointed out, they’re just mouthpieces for Sam Levinson to rail against everyone who's ever wronged him –…

  • Run Hide Fight

    Run Hide Fight

    ★★

    About as tasteful as you’d expect for a school shooting thriller distributed by The Daily Wire.

    The clue’s in the title really. There are numerous instances where our protagonists are faced with choices – usually when sheltering in toilets or cowering under desks. We close in on their terrified faces, the sound of gunshots melts into the background, and we linger there just long enough to wonder: ‘what would YOU do?’.

    It’s incredibly unsubtle – like one of those PlayStation games…

  • White House Down

    White House Down

    ★★

    Turns out all you need to storm the Capitol is a MAGA hat and an IQ below 70.

  • 1BR

    1BR

    ★★

    My uni accommodation was worse.

  • Wonder Woman 1984

    Wonder Woman 1984

    ★★

    Nonsensical plot aside, red-white-and-blue barbie flying across Egypt on a ballistic missile to swoop down and rescue Arab kids just... doesn’t sit right with me. 

    Same energy as Lindsay Lohan trying to ‘rescue’ those homeless kids from their parents in Russia (still shook).