Sam has written 28 reviews for films rated ★★ .

  • Marry Me

    Marry Me

    ★★

    Jameela Jamil, Jimmy Fallon, Samwell Tarly... shid had more jumpscares than Paranormal Activity 😭

  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    ★★

    The yassification of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre :–(

    Scream (2022) predicted every single thing about this.

  • Eternals
  • Don't Look Up

    Don't Look Up

    ★★

    Adam McKay takes aim at the easiest targets imaginable and presents the most basic facts about climate change complacency and ‘Big Media’ as earth-shattering revelations. The cast do their best with what they're given, but for every good joke there are three terrible ones straight from the SNL cutting room floor.

    Sanctimonious. Self-aggrandizing. About as subtle as a brick to the face (Ariana Grande singing 'listen to the goddamn qualified scientists' made me groan so loud I swear she heard…

  • Twilight

    Twilight

    ★★

    What could have been a masterpiece of camp ended up being a slow and interminable slog about one girl’s choice between the world’s pastiest boyfriend and her shitgibbon mates.

    Watched all 5 of these back-to-back in preparation for Spencer (obvi) but you won’t catch me reviewing the rest because my feelings are the same for all of them – lacks bite, blood, or a pulse.

  • Downsizing

    Downsizing

    ★★

    First hour: What's everyone complaining about? This is great!

    Second hour: Oh, ok.

  • Venom: Let There Be Carnage

    Venom: Let There Be Carnage

    ★★

    Marvel: Let there be C̸͙̳͍̜̞̅̿͑͛̃̇͆̕Ȃ̴̡̛̼̭̝̠̦͊̔͒͋̀̎̚̕Ȑ̸̢̻̟̼̯͗̐̈́͋͝Ņ̴̡̘̮͚̻̠̻̲͚̋́̽͛̆͐̓͛͘̕A̴͚̘̙̲͙͗̈́G̵̨̲̲̼̥͊̑̒̔̇̆̚͝ͅĘ̸̮̞̘̝̯̥̳͙̈́̓͆̏̿̑̑͗͐͜

    Motion Picture Association: PG-13

  • Venom

    Venom

    ★★

    Who's your favourite character and why is it Venom with giant tits and a dump truck ass?

  • The Forever Purge

    The Forever Purge

    ★★

    Was this screenplay written during the Purge? Because the dialogue is CRIMINAL. And not the Wilhelm scream in the climax... how hard could it be to record someone else screaming? Pendejos.

  • Gunpowder Milkshake

    Gunpowder Milkshake

    ★★

    John Chick: Chapter 3 – KaraGillan.

  • Saw IV

    Saw IV

    ★★

    When Jigsaw murdered Kerry for being a workaholic I breathed a deep sigh of relief knowing that could never be me 🥰

    The funniest thing about the Saw films has to be the feeble attempts at moralisation that sporadically (and pointlessly) interrupt the carnage. Personal favourite is 'CHERISH YOUR LIFE' written in the blood of a serving policewoman brutalised for... *checks notes* working too hard? Like damn.

  • Saw III

    Saw III

    ★★

    You think that's bad? I got Jigsaw's Starbucks order wrong once and he cut off all my fingers and toes and shoved them up my ass.