Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Ascending is kinda terrible. I don't know any other way to put it. The film centers around a girl who's introduced to a scoiety that's fighting over who owns and controls the earth. This fish out of water scenario should be as simple as they come but even the Wachowskis managed to make this boring when they perfectly executed it in The Matrix over a decade ago.

The Pros: The music is fantastic, some of the actors do fine like Douglas Booth and Sean Bean and the concept of the earth being just a field for profit is interesting.

The Cons: This movie is so bloated with exposition I thought it was an elaborate joke. It isn't smooth exposition either, it's long breathed dialogue that gave me a headache. All of the actors do a really poor job. Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis do nothing of noteworthiness in this movie and Eddie Redmayne delivers such a comically poor performance I would unironically watch this again just to laugh my ass off. I know what he was going for but he was severely miscasted. Mila Kunis' character is so weak I can't name any unique character trait she may possess. I think Channing Tatums gravity boots is a stupid idea, I was cracking up at the movie because of how goofy he looked skating around the sky. Nothing makes sense in this movie and not in a turn your brain off/fun way like Stardust did. The movie demands you pay attention to it as if it has anything of value to say but its execution is botched the second all the exposition comes pouring in. Creature design is horrible, if you need an example Channing Tatum is supposed to be a human/wolf hybrid but doesn't possess any canine traits aside from his ears and there's also an elephant man-thing that just- I'm done with this movie.

Wow, what a waste of my time. There are some shining moments that gave me hope like when the score picks up or the idea that earth is just a crop waiting to be harvested but the plot surrounding that idea is so convoluted and poorly executed it made me want to rip out my hair.


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