RetroMovieNerd

RetroMovieNerd

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  • Raiders of the Lost Ark

    Raiders of the Lost Ark

    ★★★★★

    Indy: "I don't know. I'm making this up as I go."

    Golden idols in the darkest corner of South America. Burning down the house in Nepal. Traitorous monkeys in Cairo. Really tall Nazis coming out of tents ready to fight. The ability to find an escape from even the deepest underground cavern. Dispatching a truckload of Nazi soldiers singlehandedly. Face melting and head explosions.

    This.

    There is also a perverse giddiness watching Spielberg burn a hole in a Nazi symbol…

  • Cobra

    Cobra

    ★★★★★

    Well, I know I teased a review of The Arena in my last review, and I still plan to unleash it upon you, but something caught my eye along the way. I read someone's review for Cobra, realized that I held Cobra among my favorites list in my profile, and yet *gasp*....I did not have a review for it. Heaven's to Betsy! Think of my credibility!! So let's take a sidetrip before I sit and watch half-naked female gladiators throw…

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  • The Monster of Venice

    The Monster of Venice

    ★½

    MILL CREEK ENTERTAINMENT PRESENTS PURE TERROR

    Disc Six, Movie Twenty-One

    THE EMBALMER

    aka The Monster of Venice

    Beauty preserved. That's the goal of the antagonist in The Embalmer. Instead of buying works of art and decorating the walls of his dingy, dark underwater lair that contains the skeletal corpses of long-dead monks, he throws on a scuba suit, plucks young women off the streets of Venice, drags them underwater (where they presumably drown), and then injects them with his super-secret…

  • Schlock

    Schlock

    ★★★

    John Landis wrote, directed and starred in the greatest movie that ever contained John Landis in a gorilla suit. It's called Schlock and if you ever want to make a ranked list of John Landis films that had him wearing a gorilla suit, this would be your number one selection. Just ask John Landis himself.

    Schlock is a spoof of b-movie horror and sci-fi about a Schlockthropus that has been living dormant inside an underground cave for centuries, and has…

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  • The Water Man

    The Water Man

    ★★★½

    When I was a kid, I wrote stories. I was reading comic books at seven years old and my imagination was running wild with ideas for adventure stories. In fifth grade, I would write cliffhanger endings to my stories for composition class and the other kids in class would always want to hear mine first. I was writing about hot air balloon trips crash-landing in the desert, slashers stalking my classmates and potential world-beating villains being foiled by kids too…

  • The House by the Cemetery

    The House by the Cemetery

    ★★★½

    MILL CREEK ENTERTAINMENT PRESENTS PURE TERROR

    Disc Five, Movie Nineteen

    THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY

    Fulci, you dead son of a bitch! How could you make a film that hints at plot threads that never get picked up? How could you allow such horrible overdubbing of a child actor that probably did not need to be horribly overdubbed to be annoying? How could you and your co-writers just put these characters into a house so horribly haunted by its past…