• The Princess Bride

    The Princess Bride


    This doesn’t have any right to be as good as it is and it should work half as well as it does but it does. When we say “movie magic” I think of this movie. Insanely quotable, moves like a monster without feeling rushed, a perfect satire of fantasy romances while also being the best fantasy romance today. An instant classic.

    “Have fun storming the castle!”

  • The Cabin in the Woods

    The Cabin in the Woods


    “Good work, zombie arm.”
    Firmly believe this and the Angel series finale happen in sync with each other and you cannot convince me otherwise!
    First half plays out like a Truman Show-esque version of every B-horror scenario, then spirals into some monstrously good times. Goddard’s direction is A+, I really wish he’d do more movies! I’d have loved to see his Sinister Six movie, awful though it probably would have been. I think about the smash cut to “Roll With the…

  • The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

    The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King


    Eomer. Take your Èored down the left flank. Gamling, follow the King’s banner down the center. Grimbold, take your company right, after you pass the wall. Forth, and fear no darkness! Arise! Arise, Riders of Theoden!
    Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered!
     A sword day… a red day… ere the sun rises!
    Ride now!
     … Ride now!
    … Ride! Ride to ruin and the world ending!
    Forth, Eorlingas!

    Cinematic masterpiece. 
    Nothing compares.
    These movies are…

  • Blue Beetle

    Blue Beetle


    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    This was mostly fine but when they played “Sabor A Mí” for Alberto’s funeral, I fully wept. We played that for my grandfather when he passed. Cosmic coincidence, surely. But this is what I mean when I say “representation matters,” and I will never let morally bankrupt YouTube hate baiters tell me different. 

    Now, we can cry.

  • Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

    Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3


    “Someday I’m gonna make great machines that fly. And me and my friends are gonna go flying together, into the forever and beautiful sky.”

    God fucking damn it! If I ever see the High Evolutionary, it’s on fucking sight! Having all the Guardians join in and wreck his shit is the kind of catharsis you can only get out of space operas. 
    I missed all of these hooligans. Families made up of roguish space bandits is something that is so…

  • Blacula



    Why the FUCK don’t we talk about this movie more?!

  • The Last Voyage of the Demeter

    The Last Voyage of the Demeter


    If there was a just and loving God, this would have come out in 2006 and ended with a song by My Chemical Romance.

    A doomed ship. A doomed crew. Almost three decades in the making. A solid creature feature that can’t help but feel the weight of its time in development Hell, especially with an ending that feels straight out of the mid 2000s. Can you believe we almost had this movie but with Viggo Mortensen, Ben Kingsley, and…

  • Punisher: War Zone

    Punisher: War Zone


    Let me put you out of my misery.

    Brutal, gruesome, campy mess.
    The tone is all over the place but who gives a shit? We’re here to watch Frank Castle punish a trio of free runners by exploding one of them with a rocket launcher! Automatically this is the best Punisher movie! Stevenson soars, Jigsaw and Loony Bin Jim are R-rated Schumacher Batman villains raising Hell in a grime and neon soaked New York City, and casting Wayne Knight as…

  • Nope




  • Settlers



    Aesthetically pleasing! I would kill to use this set for myself! Hell in this economy, if they were offering plots of land like this on Mars I’d sign up in a heartbeat! 
    Look, I love me a space western. And on the whole, it’s a solid entry into that canon. It just doesn’t have anything new to say. First act is the best part, seeing a family struggle to find their footing amid alien skies and soil, as well as…

  • Priest



    I thought priests didn’t use firearms.

    We don’t. 

    Vampire Hunter D walked so Priest could stumble, trip, and fall, shattering every bone its body. 
    Firmly believe that this would have been better animated. Half of the intro is animated and I feel like they used a lot of that in the marketing anyway, so why not just commit? The universe this movie exists in makes no sense but I’d forgive a lot more if it looked better. At least the…

  • The Last Voyage of the Demeter

    The Last Voyage of the Demeter

    Been looking forward to this one for a while. Technically for over a decade. Ever since I first heard about it gosh I don’t know maybe over fifteen years ago? It’s been a long time coming. Wife and I were seated for the very funny and weird Alamo Drafthouse pre-show and then it was curtain call. Got to enjoy the bulk of the movie before it got stuck in a loop in the last 15 or 20 minutes. Took them…