Godzilla vs. Kong

Godzilla vs. Kong ★★★

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

I'm not going to sit here and grandstand about how "I watched these movies back when..." or "A real kaiju movie is blahblahblah." Let's be perfectly candid; We all like giant monster movies, we all like superhero's and we all like epic films. Most everyone likes the LotR series and haven't read the books, loves Deadpool and has never touched a comic. This is to say I don't give a flying fuck how much Godzilla you've seen or kaiju you've watched - we've all been waiting for this.

Let's get another thing straight, we knew exactly how Godzilla vs. Kong would play out. A majority of the run time will be aggravatingly boring, cringy and stretched out. The duo will battle for a brief moment, then have to come together or have no clear winner. The real monster will be man.

Two hours is a lot to ask of me when it comes to something of this style. Give me a loose, barely defined plot to get the film rolling and throw these two up against each other, that's all I needed. Instead, I had to sit through the cringiest shit I've seen in months. I wasn't expecting the b-plot, aka anything not GvK, to be riveting, but Christ all mighty who the fuck wrote this?

Let's start with the Kong plot. This scientist is living with Kong, studying him, watching him closely for ten years and NEVER, not ONCE sees him use or comprehend the tiniest bit of sign language? Yet Ms. Can't-Act-Even-Without-Dialogue is not only a Kong whisperer but is also on screen more than the hairy royalty himself? I found all the players in his subplot to be inexcusably terrible.

The child actor is horrible, she can't emote with her face and that's literally all she has to do. Ilene isn't that bad, her character is just so clueless about things that she's supposed to be the export in, so when smug and uncharismatic Dr. Lind slimes his way onto screen he becomes our defacto lead in the group. There's no chemistry with any of them and his presence watching over Kong in the Hollow Earth in the end is unearned and insulting.

Hollow Earth itself is a cool concept. It's ruined a bit when the whole issue of changing gravity is solved the second Zillababy blows a hole through the ground and I guess dimensions that they don't need to worry about that weird space goop on exit? Either way it looks great and I loved the snake monsters with wings, using said flappers to try to suffocate. That was cool as hell.

Thank god they don't expand the Maddison/Josh shit too much in favor of the Lind/Ilene plot because wow what happened to Millie here. You'd assume this actress wasn't known as a captivating young starlet from a heavy sci-fi drama when she's on screen here because she is just horrible. A lot of her scenes are acted so over the top, none of them are helped by the trying to be funny but just being uncomfortable dialogue. Next.

Bernie sucked.

Well, what do you expect? The humans in kaiju are more often than not annoying. So why three stars? Because everything is fucking awesome.

The look of this movie is Blade Runner meets kaiju meets video game. Apex is gritty and reminds me of neo-cities in manga like Akira, all the tech is straight out of an 80s neon sci-fi worship flick. Although we don't see them on screen much, every monster that isn't one of our two main heart throbs looks bad ass as fuck. We have our duo looking incredible and having two killer fight scenes.

What really brought it all home was fucking Mecha-Godzilla. Holy shit, I am so stoked it was in here but damn I wish it was left ambiguous or only showed up for a bit and retreated so we can get a new Mecha-Godzilla flick. He is savage looking and just as brutal in action. I screamed "FUCKING. COOL." the second it was on screen. Even the way they built and control it is the coolest part of the movie.

This is what you expect to get from a big block buster monster movie, I wish it was shorter but hey, I had a fun time. I will absolutely not be re-watching it, but I'll come sit down and catch the last 30 minutes with you if you throw it on. Fuck all the human story lines, fuck the terrible writing and bad acting and fuck all you gatekeepery fucks that think movies are made just for certain people.