Favorite films

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  • Cats

    ★★★½

  • A Quiet Place

    ★★★★

  • The Square

    ½

  • I, Tonya

    ★★★

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  • Cats

    Cats

    Cats: The Musical: The Movie. Sigh.

    Alright, here we go.

    Fuck this wild movie and every stone-hearted bastard who's given it such a bad review. Fuck the critics, fuck the janky CGI, fuck Tom Hooper for sending out a visual update post-release like it's a videogame launch day patch, and fuck you if you're looking for another meme-review of what is, in all honestly, a delightful and heartfelt movie that was marred by awkward execution, jarring visuals, and the crazy…

  • A Quiet Place

    A Quiet Place

    ★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Starring John Krasinski's unbelievably full beard and a head of hair that you could really run your fingers through, A Quiet Place seeks to hurt me, a balding twenty-something, in a deeply personal way that I haven't experienced since a particularly brutal break up during my junior year of high school. Emily Blunt and her shag carpet of a beau live in a post-apocalyptic paradise with their stupid children. There's aliens afoot, and apparently the only sensory input they have…

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  • The Square

    The Square

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Alright look, I watched this and Killing of a Sacred Deer right around the same time, and they're both nonsense movies and I just hate them both, so maybe I'll mix them up on accident, but that's okay because we'll get through it together.

    Plot synopsis: The Square is a tale about something, I'm sure. It tells the story of some lame guy who's running a museum about garbage in, I don't know, Denmark I think? Anyway, at some point…

  • I, Tonya

    I, Tonya

    ★★★

    A magical combination of fucked up hairstyles, hideous lighting and psychotic ice skating make-up turns the smoking-hot Margot Robbie into a weathered old bag. This movie deserves an award for ballsiness for trying to pass off Robbie's iron jawline and Sebastian Stan's bigass arms as awkward teenagers, and failing spectacularly in the process. The only thing about this movie that's more beaten and bloodied than Tonya is our suspension of disbelief. Pretty okay movie though