Transformers: The Last Knight

Transformers: The Last Knight ★★★★½

"i live for this!!" - one of the transformers cant remember which one

ok so......i didnt grow up w/ these cartoons or toys or whatever so all the characters & mythos are essentially blank slates 2 me but i love these movies more & more with each one. this is a tonally bonkers mix of scifi robot action x the worlds dumbest corniest jokes and stoner ancient aliens magick shit played 100% straight...... total bmovie sensibility w/ everything up for grabs

i was enjoying this, dumbly + thinking all the fun stuff it reminded me of (this will remind you of a LOT of other movies) but i kept getting the scary/exciting feeling of being in the hands of a genuinely unpredictable weirdo, one of those overenthusiastic shot-on-video auteur/hacks like todd sheets, right down to the mood-breaking groaner gags & aimless/erratic/kitchen-sink style..........but this doofus has $300 milly to blow on whatever gonzo helter-skelter crap feels good. i cant believe something this fickle & kaleidoscopic is real, much less popular - all the weirdo ideas are somebody's actual sensibility and not shitty committee filmmaking. call it dumb (BOY is it) but this has more personality and surprises than most low-budget indie movies much less other studio franchise crap. i guess parts are technically incompetent but guess what guys i dont watch movies for competence!!

every scene, every line, every shot veers wildly whatever direction it feels like - heroes, villains, dinosaurs, castles, submarines & dragons get introduced then disappear for hours, robots turn violent & back to docile in seconds, scenes with human actors are just outtakes left in cuz they thought they were funny, character actors adlib whatever dumb shit they want over the action so u get expensive, portentous slowmo c.g. chaos w/ dramatic batman music and robot steve buscemi going "SOMEBODY JUST FARTED, DICKHEAD!!!" or john dimaggio yelling "PUT SOME RESPECK ON MY NAME!!!!!"....bay undercuts every serious/emotional beat, not w/ the familiar sitcom rhythms of ironman or galaxy guardians but something much weirder & unanticipated

yeah this has some "classic" baysian racism/sexism (imo less than the bad boyses or other trans4merses) + wayyy too much boring military crap but anything that takes me back to the delirious boggle-eyed joy of my gods of egypt theater experience is a recommendation.

this movie is stoopid bananas and if u like that sorta thing u should go see it w/o knowing all the crazy shit that happens in but im gonna write it all down so here if u wanna ruin it


*optimus prime gets strung up in giant hellraiser chains by a robot space witch

*the evil anti-transformers seal-team6/benghazi squad is called TRF and they say TRF over & over i kept cracking up calling them TERFS

*injured/dying robots bleed glowing green reanimator serum making this a

*mikey bay has been going to the movies - i didnt see the last star wars but the scrappy spaceship-exploring scavenger girl w/ cutesy round robot sidekick seems like its from that & i didnt see suicide squad but the freeze-frame introductions to all the evil/psYcHo transformers recruited 2 fight for the good guys seemed like a riff on that........which made this feel even more like an 80s italian ripoff mockbuster called some shit like ALIEN DINO TERMINATOR 2040 (also a LOT of james cameron & (seriously) guillermo del toro)

*i saw ppl whining that the aspect ratio changes from shot to shot but i loved that. i loved it!

*aside from bay being horny for the army i also LOVED the insane politics of this movie - "castro's cuba" (in 2017??) providing assata-style safe haven to transformer fugitives, and the part where anthony hopkins reveals that - this is not a joke - fredrick douglass & harriet tubman had their own abolitionist transformers fighting to end slavery. also a whole action sequence is just a flashback to transformers killing nazis!!! no plot reason just wanted to do it!!!

*drunk, sarcastic comedy merlin like a riff on justin theroux's performance as the wizard leezar in YOUR HIGHNESS was my 1st clue this movie wasnt gonna play fair

*near the end marky mark and fake megan fox as vanessa kensington from austin powers (complete w/ a "stuffy british ppl in another room think theyre having sex but theyre actually doing something else!!" comedy routine) steal a ww2 british submarine from a museum and anthony hopkins' steampunk robot butler fires himself out of a torpedo tube so he can swim back w/ a huge ocean fish in each hand light some candles & prepare a romantic sushi dinner in the middle of the apocalyptic countdown

*in the scene where a buncha street kids blow up an ed-209 they get harrassed by a slick, evil cop car transformer w/ a decal that says "TO PUNISH AND ENSLAVE" which got a whoop of recognition from my ACAB-friendly crowd

*crowd also went wild any time a robot quoted ludacris or big sean (me too)


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