• Night of the Demon

    Night of the Demon

    ★★★★

    They just don’t make movies where Bigfoot stabs Girl Scouts to death and rips people’s dicks off anymore

  • Jurassic World Dominion

    Jurassic World Dominion

    +1 star for having the audacity to take such a bad idea and then film/market/release it 

    For a movie that desperately wants to be every action blockbuster of the last 20 years all at once, it seems antagonistically against the idea of being at all reminiscent of a Jurassic Park movie, or fun for that matter. Whoever was signing Trevorrow’s checks here needs to be investigated for criminal conspiracy to destroy currency and waste my time.

  • The Oath

    The Oath

    ★★★★½

    “I AM NOT BILL ENGVALL”

    top 5 thanksgiving weekend movie

  • Bones and All

    Bones and All

    ★★★★½

    I nearly had an out-of-body experience when Timmy Champagne started talking to his new feral gf about how good KISS’s ‘Lick It Up’ is

  • Virus

    Virus

    ★★

    Tale as old as time: I’ve always wanted to see this and now I have and wish I hadn’t

  • Resurrection

    Resurrection

    ★★★½

    Look, I have a huge soft spot for SE7EN rip-offs (especially when they’re not Hellraiser/Saw sequels), and this probably the most blatant one I’ve seen yet. The writing isn’t quite there, the score is pretty bad, the directing isn’t Mulcahy’s best, and Christopher Lambert, as always, acts/looks like Tom Jane got stuck in a talent/charisma-vacuum that left him French and incapable making any kind of human dialogue work, but I honestly didn’t mind it much at all. Lambert’s detective finding a…

  • Sorority Row

    Sorority Row

    ★★★★

    rip Chugs - u were 2 good for this world

  • Crimson Peak

    Crimson Peak

    ★★★★★

    I would love to live in their shitty, cold, dilapidated house. Five stars.

  • Possession

    Possession

    ★★★★★

    Earth-shattering. Mesmeric. Unfathomable. Horny.

    The zenith of “elevated” horror. 40+ years old and feels like it could still be the newest, divisive, feelbad, flagship A24/Searchlight purchase of any given year. An absolute barnburner.

    Despite my love it remains the only Żulawski I’ve seen, so what’s next?

  • Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

    Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

    ★★½

    I was of the right age, but didn’t read the books or see these movies when they came out (none of my friends did either), so these just don’t mean anything to me as an Adult™️. 
    Now, I am at all times surrounded by people who fucking LIVE for this shit, and try as I might I can never escape Hogwartz for long. So now I’m back, trying to activate a part of my inner child that never existed. Will it happen? I know they get a little better as the series goes on, but these early ones — WOOF

  • Jurassic Park

    Jurassic Park

    ★★★★★

    Not talked about enough is the fact that this cast is fucking STACKED with weirdos

  • Jack-O

    Jack-O

    ★★★★★

    This remains the textbook definition of a 1.5 star movie, but with the legendary commentary track it is an absolute 5-banger that does more for my brain’s serotonin levels than antidepressants ever have.