Blade ★★★½

Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.

Why it took me so long to watch this, I don't exactly know. Blade is dumb as shit, but absurdly fun. It has all of the substance of an edgy fourteen year old's sunglasses and leather-clad fever dream, most of the film's vampires being skinny, white, EDM party chucklefucks. (Bold of this movie to think that I would be even slightly intimidated by Stephen Dorff.) However, its bravado and sheer unbreakable confidence in how cool it thinks it is absolutely works at every turn. This is peak dumb guy David S. Goyer behind the writing, and Wesley Snipes alone has the automatic machismo to buy you into him being the most badass brother to ever walk the streets, know kung-fu, and wear sunglasses at night. (Gotta love how the opening is just the club sequence from Devilman but with vampires instead of demons. Also worth noting I like Goyer a lot, so my statement about him is a compliment.) Just about all of the CGI effects have aged like piss, yet the constant fiery skeletons bursting out of the vampires just rules based on the concept alone. Pretty happy that this is, even before X-Men, what we trace back to as the start of our modern superhero craze in cinema. I love Mahershala Ali, yet I think I already know the MCU Blade flick isn't going to be anywhere near as goofy and entertaining as this was. It's open season on all suckheads, and Mr. Snipes is here to collect.


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