1 star: Terrible / I hate it.
2 stars: Bad but has some redeeming qualities.
3 stars: Good.
4 stars: Great.
5 stars: Masterpiece.
Not seen this in probably 20 years and I can only conclude that sometimes the things you liked when you were 15, you liked because you were 15. Michael Bay's adult sensibilities were perfectly in line with my repressed 15 year olds self's sensibilities, it turns out.
There's some campy fun but it's ultimately too stupid to even really be funny. The funniest thing about it is that Ed Harris went all method for this shlock.
This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
A cute droid named <...> escapes the clutches of an evil Empire carrying an important map on a desert planet named <...>. Fortunately, a plucky young hero named <...> finds the droid before the bad guys do. Our young hero reluctantly recruits a brash young man named <...> to help them get the droid to the Rebellion. Our heroes escape the desert planet on the Millennium Falcon and, after some trouble, they reach the Rebellion, at which point the brash…
Safe. That's the last thing I wanted this movie to be, but I can't think of it any other way. Sure, The Force Awakens was a fine movie, but it was basically a retread of A New Hope. I, and many others, hoped and thought the sequel would strike off in a new direction, or at least throw some curve balls. But despite some general gesticulation in the film's middle in the direction of upending the balance of things, this…