• Cross My Heart

    Cross My Heart

    ★★★

    After the nightmare of Clifford, I figured I needed a Martin Short palette cleanser and wound up with this ultra 80's Rom-Com, co-starring Annette O'Toole.

    And I tell ya, this was not the palette cleanser I needed - at all.
    What I was expecting was gentle 80's Rom-Com fun in the John Hughes tradition. What I got was Martin Short in the least sexy, ultra tight speedo's getting his very candid freak on with O'Toole.
    This was more disturbing than…

  • Clifford

    Clifford

    ★★½

    Clifford is truly the stuff of nightmares.
    I drank an entire bottle of wine during this and I STILL wasn't drunk enough.

    Crazy to think now, but the early 90's was a weird time for movies and for every Forest Gump or Pulp Fiction, there were dozens of barrel-scraping "family" movies cashing in on the popularity of Home Alone, mixed with the gentle surrealism of Amblin.... Just dip your toes into the pool and check out some other "classics" from…

  • The Northman

    The Northman

    ★★★½

    Stunningly ambitious, but deeply compromised studio effort from Eggars that's high on blunt, visceral violence but lacking in overall story.

    The main issue I have with The Northman is that the narrative feels at odds with the story Eggars is trying to tell. While he's only three films in, there is a consistent trajectory for his protagonists, where they accept their fate and transcend this world for the next; be it Thomasin's seduction into the VVitches coven, or Winslow being…

  • The Sadness

    The Sadness

    ★★★½

    The Sadness is a brutally effective infection flick, chock full to the brim with practical gore and depraved visuals, yet I couldn't help but feel a teensy bit underwhelmed by it's bleakness. Too gory to take seriously, yet too serious to have fun with.

    I don't say it lightly, but this really could have benefitted from an Italian at the helm.

    Saying that, if you love gore, or simply want to be shocked, you'll struggle to find a more unsettlingly…

  • X

    X

    ★★★★

    The best thing I can say about "X" is that it feels like a Tobe Hooper movie. A lot of references have been made to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and while the location and atmosphere are certainly similar, I think it's a lazy comparison. If this thing can be compared with any Tobe Hooper movie then it's Eaten Alive.
    From the geological setting, to the guest house location, the creepy old landlords, strippers... heck, it even has an Alligator infested…

  • Benedetta

    Benedetta

    ★★★

    Paul Verhoeven has given us many classic characters over the years...

    Robocop, Doug Quaid, Catherine Tramell, Johnny Rico, Nomi Malone, Toxic Waste Melting Man, Guy Who gets his Brains Sucked Out, The Invisible Rapist, Ed 209, Dirt-Bike Rutger Hauer, Proto-Basic Instinct Woman in the 4th Man, All those Erections in Spetters, The Lady with Three Tits, Clarence Bodicker, The "I'll Buy That For A Dollar" Guy...... the list goes on...

    We can now add Sexy Mangina Jesus to that list.…

  • Knockabout

    Knockabout

    ★★★★

    Yuen Biao does 70s Jackie Chan, under the direction of Sammo Hung.
    What's not to love about that?

    I'm not sure if they were gunning for some of those Jackie dollars, but Knockabout could easily stand toe-to-toe against Drunken Master or Snake in the Eagles Shadow. Biao delivers a convincing Chan impersonation and Sammo plays a admirable Ol' Dirty. And don't get me started on the training sequences either - if you thought Drunken Master was sadistic, just you wait…

  • Prince - Sign o the Times

    Prince - Sign o the Times

    ★★★★★

    Get your Friday started right with the best Concert ever filmed.

  • Irma Vep

    Irma Vep

    ★★★★★

    The moment the Director of this film-within-a-film compared the Maggie Cheung starring "Heroic Trio" to the immortal silent classic "Les Vampires", I knew I was in the company of my people...

    Essentially, Irma Vep is a French arthouse Living In Oblivion and your enjoyment will hinge on how interested you are in that prospect.
    Irma Vep stars Cheung, fresh from shooting The Heroic Trio, being whisked to France to perform in an obtuse French film. Speaking little French, she becomes…

  • Death Wish 3

    Death Wish 3

    ★★★★★

    Just so completely and utterly ridiculous.
    I've seen this disaster many times, but last night I had the pleasure of watching it in the company of Edgar wright & Alex Winter and a full house at Leicester Square's PCC and it was an absolute riot! I even chatted with Wright briefly and got a book recommendation (Bronson's Loose: The Making of Death Wish 1, 2 + 3)

    Anyway, what can you say about this movie that hasn't been said already?
    Well,…

  • My Bloody Valentine

    My Bloody Valentine

    ★★½

    Haaaahahahahahaha
    What even was this?

    Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun with MBV and that's all that was expected but this has got to be the ugliest, cheapest and downright weird looking mainstream movie I've ever seen. I guess we can blame the 3D effects of the time for it's bizarro flat look but even then, this is shoddy stuff. At it's best, it looked like a modern Dario Argento movie; at it's worst it looked…

  • Gone with the Pope

    Gone with the Pope

    ★★★★★

    What in the Holy Sacrament of Christ did I just watch?

    Duke Mitchell..... The King of Palm Springs.... what a guy.
    You know that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry David is cast in the Scorsese movie? Well, THIS is that movie.

    Where to start with this thing..... It's cheap and it's trashy and by God is it stupid... but... and it's a big but.... Gone With The Pope is endearingly sincere. This guy really was drinking at the…