"with an amazing regularity, i keep seeing one and the same dream. it seems to make me return to the place, poignantly dear to my heart. (...) and even in my dream i become aware that i'm only dreaming it. and the overwhelming joy is clouded by anticipation of awakening."

normally, with film reviews, i talk about what the movie might mean, in general or even just for me; the technical side of the movie or even just to relate to the performances of the actors, but right now all of that just seems shallow.

i love to write, i used to write quite a lot just for fun. i don't do it as often, shamefully. just me and my cigarette; i would spend an awful amount time with myself and my own head, just writing. i would wipe my tears, trying to let down my guard. stream of consciousness, some used to call it.
turns out i quit smoking as i did writing, not in this particular order, for common knowledge, even though only one of them was good for my well-being. i still try, but words do not whisper as softly as they once did, so now i guess i have cinema to help me unveil what i am unable to write, my emotional crutch, cherishing it on my own, within my head and my senses. Sometimes shared words, others not so much, but when shared, i offer the surface of my own judgement, not out of pride nor because i have impenetrable walls, on the contrary, my walls are as thin as a piece of paper, but mainly because they offer one language only and that would be my understanding of life, me, my memories, my lack of those too, the pursuing of a purpose and my inability to translate them.

the comment section on this film is particularly the kind of audience i am talking about when i think positively about whether or not i would share something as personal.
y'all have made me cry and dive into my own thinking, resonating this way with the power of your words and sensitivity, thoughts and feelings combined - i guess one other purpose of why i am here for.

so, for me this is a feeling that transcends time; we let it guide us no matter how much we consciously think it isn't there, following us around until we are no more. our childhood. oh, mother, i love you. oh, child, what have you seen and forgotten, what did you think when you brought that along and why are you still carrying it when it wasn't meant for you. how would i let it consume me, why did it happen, how has that happened, but most of all, what did, in fact, happen, and why do i feel my life so defined by it. i don't remember much, but i keep trying.

i think it took me 4 full hours to get me through the whole film, only because it was too difficult at first and then i felt strange, a weird sense of frustration and alienation, only to come to the realization that i was trying to make sense of something that is not mine to make sense of. not my memories or dreams, although it left me wondering how many of mine i would pick.

"(...) and i can't wait to see this dream in which I'll be a child again and feel happy again because everything will be still ahead, everything will be possible."

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