Kong: Skull Island

Kong: Skull Island ★½

Some notes I made during my hefty experience watching Kong Skullfucking on an Island

- First things first, if they had just chosen to tell the story of the American pilot and the Japanese pilot learning to get along despite the war, it would've been a much more interesting film and that is saying A LOT since that is on itself a story that is done to death. Actually, nevermind. This film was bad from the start.
- Okay, so Samuel L. Jackson didn't quote scripture but he did quote Greek mythology. Close enough I guess...
- When you see an obvious example of a giant ape and then ask yourself "What is that?"... I don't know, but even the dumbest primates on this earth could recognize their own species.
- Oh my fucking god, even Tom Hiddleston doesn't "know what that was". Really??
- "That's Kong. He's king around here."
- Orange, green and yellow aren't pretty colors to mix together yet they're basically the only ones you'll see for two hours straight.
- They are really hammering in the fact that John C. Reilly is getting older and older and going to waste (translation: give him better roles, this guy can Oscar you!)
- Ooooh, so they did do the story I imagined at the beginning, opting for a nice anti-war message. Did not see that coming (myeah...).
- "We're on a boat. It's actually more of a plane than a boat. We're on a ploat." 😑
- 40 minutes left and I realize there's actually not a lot of Kong in this film
- Can we just see Hiddleston and Larson kiss already?
- Couldn't Jordan Vogt-Roberts play Kong himself? He's got the beard for it.
- "The fuck was that random vertigo-zoom about?" (I ask to myself out loud while I've been continuously annoyed by the cinematography during the past 100 minutes, including the random pov-shots and color aberration at the corners of the screen or am I talking too cinephile now?)
- I've seen Kong fight giant lizards a few times now so I'm just going to wonder what the last name of Tom and Brie's kid is gonna be: Larson-Hiddleston or Hiddleston-Larson?
- Besides every famous actor in this film being absolutely useless and derivative, I'm baffled by the fact that Kong was the most underwritten character of the film.
- Kong is Sauron??? To be fair, that's a plot twist I didn't see coming...

So in all fairness, this may not be the worst but this is definitely some of the dumbest blockbuster filmmaking I've seen in a long while. Even with all of its good effects (and I do mean "good" because, fuck me Academy, the Planet of the Apes team is miles and miles ahead of this stuff), it is still just a load of mindless fanboy-level rehashing of old tropes and stories. And even though there's been a lot of similar films over the years, nothing beats the good, old days of giant monsters going all out attack. Even 50's, cold war, b-movie jiggling Gila monsters have entertained me more than this pompous CGI-debacle. There's just nothing to get from it. Even with those crappy effects from yesteryear (or perhaps even thanks to them), there's some sort of joy in seeing ridiculous scenarios play out of rubber puppets towering over people. This is not even enjoyable in a so bad it's good way. It's just bad. It's a serious waste of talent and I know Roberts can do better than this because he has already proven himself before.

P.S.: They're gonna Marvel this shit?!? They're gonna steal the whole Godzilla-franchise from Japan?!?! This doesn't even deserve a sarcastic slow clap. This is just sad.

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