• Tom & Jerry

    Tom & Jerry

    ½

    Why is any of this happening. Who cares

  • X-Men: Days of Future Past

    X-Men: Days of Future Past

    Still the cleanest retcon of all time...

  • The Dance of Reality
  • Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

    Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

    ★½

    Potentially the F13 film with the most to appreciate past “well, the Final Girl sequence is pretty great!”

    Simultaneously undeserving of and held back by the franchise name, I’d still say this is one of the most successful complete packages the Voorhees family has given us. Take out the extensive lore-wrangling and speed up the first half with less faux-slasher padding, and I think I’d actually consider this the most rewatchable film in the series too, if not the most functional.

  • I'm Thinking of Ending Things

    I'm Thinking of Ending Things

    Rating this after one viewing just feels silly.

  • Wobble Palace

    Wobble Palace

    ½

    This movie made me viscerally ill.

  • Artemis Fowl

    Artemis Fowl

    ½

    Josh Gad, Judi Dench.. someone please give them a glass of water.

  • Session 9

    Session 9

    ★½

    Probably still worth it just for a hard zoom on David Caruso’s passionate “fuck you!” and some alright low budget atmosphere. Picks up a little in the middle, but loses it all by ending with a slog of an exposition dump. Ends just as it starts, to be fair.

  • Creepshow 2

    Creepshow 2

    ★★

    The only thing this has over the original is that there’s less of King’s abysmal acting.

  • The Heart of the World

    The Heart of the World

    Yeah, it’s kino alright...

  • TFW No GF

    TFW No GF

    ★★

    I don’t get it? Is the point that they’re just normal people?

  • Ad Astra

    Ad Astra

    ★★

    Perfectly balanced between the melodrama of Interstellar and the icy character study of First Man, it seems the attractive forces cancel out and all that’s left is flaccid, ineffective nothing. The voiceover by itself would be enough to keep the film’s momentum at near-zero, but even the script itself is stilted, as well as constantly redundant, undermining visual cues and just plainly getting in the way.

     As for positives, it often does look nice, but in a particularly hollow way: even…