• Daredevil

    Daredevil

    5 WORD REVIEW: JESUS THIS LOOKS REALLY CHEAP.

    that is all.

  • Summer Rental

    Summer Rental

    5 WORD REVIEW: KEVIN JAMES CAN SUCK IT!

    I miss John Candy, and the days when a normal looking funny guy could helm a movie.

  • Fantastic Voyage

    Fantastic Voyage

    5 WORD REVIEW: ......FEATURING THE FANTASTIC TINY P.

    60's groovy government dudes shrink down other super groovy to destroy a brain tumor that is messing up a super groovy super spy.
    Boy, people smoked a lot...and everywhere in the 60's. And as always Donald Pleasence is great in it. Thus I dubbed him The Fantastic Tiny P... "woah man, look at that amoeba.... that thing is Huuuuuge!

  • Furious 7

    Furious 7

    5 WORD REVIEW: INVINCIBLE PEOPLE DO CRAZY SHIT

    If you know this series it's all about topping the last installment in the crazy car stunt department. That being said at this point all the people in this are invincible and made of equal parts of teflon, sweat, testosterone, machismo, and nerf. At this point they throw everything including the kitchen sink into the mix. My suggestion in the next one (which there shouldn't be) might as well throw in dinosaurs, robots, aliens, and ghosts.

  • Foxcatcher

    Foxcatcher

    5 WORD REVIEW: RICH PEOPLE... THEY'LL KILL YA!

    Was convinced to give this a watch by a podcast. It was creepy, unsettling, and uncomfortable. About as uncomfortable as Montgomery Burns walking in on you while you were taking a shit in a public bathroom. Then, he doesn't leave. He just stands there, staring, rubbing his hands back and forth.

  • I Don't Want to Be Born

    I Don't Want to Be Born

    5 WORD REVIEW MURDERBABY!!! MURDERBABY!!!... and a midget.

    Evidently a spurned dwarf is capable of slinging a curse at Joan Collins after she rejects his advances.... and by that i mean boobie grabbin'... To make her baby the spawn of the devil... this movie is great! Thanks netflix!

  • Dracula 3D

    Dracula 3D

    5 WORD REVIEW: HEY DAUGHTER, SHOW THEM TITTIES

    A hokey as hell retelling of Dracula by A director who is past his prime.... sadly. It's got some good stuff in it though. A suave ass dracula that has a killer suede suit. And has to stink of Brute. And a little Rutger Hauer .

  • Making Contact

    Making Contact

    5 WORD REVIEW: WHO JUST GAVE ME ACID?

    A mash-up of E.T., Star Wars toys, Poltergeist, The Goonies, and the most terrifying puppet in movie history. Here is a comprehensive list of what you will see in this film.

    Darth Vader. (or real, Darth is in this movie
    A huge puppet form out of the side of a mountain
    A fat kid getting attacked by a killer double cheeseburger
    overdubbing, overdubbing, overdubbing...
    Flying knives
    all of the star wars toys... yes, all of them.
    telekenesis
    haunted houses
    and a cameo by what I believe to be the sorcerer guy from Spookies

  • Demonwarp

    Demonwarp

    5 WORD REVIEW: FOUND ANOTHER SWEET SPOT MOVIE

    I love these type of ADHD, stream of consiousness flicks. It's like a 4th grader said... I want a movie with bigfoot fighting George Kennedy, and then there is a space comet that lands, and then a preacher finds it... then makes zombies and were-bigfeets, and then boobs.

  • Burning Bright

    Burning Bright

    5 WORD REVIEW: HALLOWEEN, BUT WITH A TIGER

    Yeah. it's pretty good. Plus I learned that if you wanna get a bengal tiger... Meatloaf is your man. That guy has so many tigers.

  • Destroyer

    Destroyer

    5 WORD REVIEW: LYLE ALZADO..... WITH A JACKHAMMER

    I REFUSE TO REVIEW THIS.. It's got Lyle Alzado...And A Jackhammer...With a huge scope on it. I refuse to review this! LUST LOOK AT THE GOD DAMN POSTER!!!!!!!!!

  • UHF

    UHF

    ★★★★★

    5 WORD REVIEW: AL YANKOVIC'S A NATIONAL TREASURE

    The 2nd funniest movie I have ever seen. ( the first being Monty Python and The Holy Grail). Even the throw away jokes are genius I.E. the blind guy trying to solve a Rubick's Cube. And it's also Michael Richard's finest hour.... you know before he commited career suicide and all...