Kazmer has written 12 reviews for films rated ★★ during 2021.

  • The King of Marvin Gardens

    The King of Marvin Gardens

    ★★

    This movie reminds me of every terrible screenplay I wrote in college I thought was a lot smarter than it actually was.

  • Warlock

    Warlock

    ★★

    This is a movie for small children

  • Absence of Malice

    Absence of Malice

    ★★

    This is every fake movie the characters on Seinfeld talk about going to see all the time

  • Censor

    Censor

    ★★

    There's no second act, the ending made me laugh, and there's a purple key light that's in nearly every single shot. The parts that are supposed to look shitty are shot too well, and the stuff that's supposed to look good is shot amateurishly. The fake horror films they make are inauthentic (you couldn't even shoot these on actual film?) and have an overwhelming sense of "is this really the best you could come up with". The movie posters are…

  • Daddy Longlegs

    Daddy Longlegs

    ★★

    like taking a nap with your eyes open

  • The Wraith

    The Wraith

    ★★

    Not even close to as weird or violent as it needs to be to carry it over the line. Even the races/chases are desperately lacking in adrenaline. A juiced-up Drafthouse-style remake of this is easy to imagine. Needs every individual element cranked at least 200%.

  • Deathcheaters

    Deathcheaters

    ★★

    "When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?"
    *sobbing*

    The Simpsons, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show" (1997)

    This is like a bunch of teenagers trying to make a Mission Impossible sequel by filming themselves drifting someone's dad's Camaro in the empty field behind the high school, and then renting a jet ski during spring break for the "big finale".

    Takes itself way too seriously to have that kind of title. About 15% death cheating and 85% bland secret agent…

  • Defending Your Life

    Defending Your Life

    ★★

    Albert Brooks' 112 minute cover of "Losing My Edge"

  • Things Change

    Things Change

    ★★

    Straight up said to myself "I'm in the mood to watch something that might suck" and this did not disappoint. Absolutely zero flavor. So mid-tier it's like it was intentionally designed so you could fall asleep through half of it.

  • Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

    Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

    ★★

    I'ma be honest, I straight up did not pay attention to a minute of this

  • Zack Snyder's Justice League

    Zack Snyder's Justice League

    ★★

    My favorite scene is when The Flash is jumping around and yelling at a group of injured elderly people to run faster up 20 flights of stairs instead of just using his powers to carry them all up

    Over 2 hours into the film they start talking about reviving Superman and I genuinely forgot he was part of the movie by that point

    The only condition I would ever sit through this again is every Wonder Woman [ancient lamentation music] moment is replaced with the woman yelling from the Phantom Pain theme

    Recognizing the credits song melody was the hardest laugh in the whole thing

  • Act of Piracy

    Act of Piracy

    ★★

    I don't care if you're just watching the shitty VHS transfer of this on youtube, I'm BEGGING you to watch this through to the end. There's some funny bits scattered around but goddamn the showdown climax at the end is so wild and adrenaline-fueled it makes the whole journey worth it. Also all the gun sound effects are the same as the blasters in Star Wars.