Kazmer has written 40 reviews for films rated ★½ .

  • Star Trek: Nemesis

    Star Trek: Nemesis

    ★½

    Pretty much the only nice thing I can say about this is I love the color palette. I miss the 2000s cold steel grey/neon green aesthetic. I love Tom Hardy's holographic Halo 3 armor.

    That being said, this has some of the most jaw-droppingly awful set design I've ever seen from any budget-tier. There are background paintings you can see the fucking fold of the tarp on the floor and the glare of the stage lights on the top. Whoever…

  • Star Trek: Generations

    Star Trek: Generations

    ★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    What a complete slap in the face to TOS fans. Picard drags Kirk out of literal heaven to die horribly as a ragdoll and not go back, then buries his ass under some rocks and doesn't tell anybody while the B-team smashes every glass window on the Enterprise with a tree. Classic Star Trek.

  • Star Trek: First Contact

    Star Trek: First Contact

    ★½

    absolute schlock nonsense. Picard won't stop screaming until his bloodlust is quenched. Data is a murderer. Riker cant wipe that shit eating grin off his face. Deanna gets hammered. Beverly's new hairdo is confusing. there's too much going on and all of it is stupid. the beginning of the end for IP set piece based cinema.

    Worf doesn't want to die in a pointless suicide mission and Picard calls him a coward for it. peak Star Trek.

  • The Late Show

    The Late Show

    ★½

    This is a comedy/mystery without a single joke or a good mystery, leaving nothing but the decaying husk of Art Carney trying to play gumshoe to carry it to a feature length running time. Nobody has any chemistry on screen, like they're all individually acting in different films. Lily Tomlin is awful every second she's talking. Zero bite and a bleating bark.

  • Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World

    Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World

    ★½

    I think I get what Brooks was going for with this, but without the ripping satire and manic energy his early films had a seemingly infinite supply of, this is mostly a pretty dull watch. There's only traces of them here at best, like an old dog that can still sit and roll over, but pretty much only when he feels like it. It's either way too restrained in what it's willing to joke at, or maybe just didn't have…

  • Puzzle of a Downfall Child

    Puzzle of a Downfall Child

    ★½

    Knew I was gonna hate this in the first 10 minutes and sat through it anyway. Edited to have a presentation like a parody of itself. It's like watching bad local theater. It's like a really shitty Woody Allen movie and I don't even like the good Woody Allen movies. It's like the raw unrotoscoped footage from an abandoned Ralph Bakshi project.

  • Mortal Kombat

    Mortal Kombat

    ★½

    Hey, if you can tell me what the fuck this prop in the movie is, I will literally pay you.

    There's a shot in here where someone's blood has unrendered textures and it's just the raw fluid sim and I think that's pretty incredible.

    It's lowkey amazing how shitty a lot of this is when you examine it past the surface. The main character is literally useless and the film does not change at all if you remove him from…

  • Mitchell

    Mitchell

    ★½

    What if we took The Long Goodbye but made it shitty

  • Virtual Combat

    Virtual Combat

    ★½

    I am dying to know the reason the antagonist of this film doesn't speak a single line, and all of his dialogue is telepathically dubbed over by Michael Dorn

    The most credit I can give this is goddamn there is a lot of combat in it. Also has the funniest concept for what futuristic VR is like that I've ever seen from a pre-high-speed-internet-era film.

    shoutout to the proto-Perfect Dark soundtrack

  • Outlaw of Gor

    Outlaw of Gor

    ★½

    Lot of hilarious reasons this movie makes the first one irrelevant:

    Everyone calls the main character Cabot instead of Tarl, presumably because they thought Tarl sounded stupid but couldn't change his name entirely. If you took a drink every time someone says "Cabot" you'd have alcohol poisoning.

    The ADR and foley work is phenomenally bad. I don't think there's a single scene that was shot with set audio.

    Cabot's best friend decides to betray him and assassinate the king of…

  • Strange Behavior

    Strange Behavior

    ★½

    Incredibly dull for nearly its entire length, except for a single sequence where everyone at a house party starts breakin it the fuck down to some "Lightnin' Strikes" by Lou Christie

  • Faust: Love of the Damned

    Faust: Love of the Damned

    ★½

    Faust may have the absolute worst editing I've ever seen in a film that wasn't shot by dorks running around in the woods

    also why does the devil have a cuck fetish