• Leviathan

    Leviathan

    ★★★

    An amalgamation of concepts that never fully commits to any idea in favor of trying all of them. Sometimes it's a monster movie, sometimes it's a body horror, sometimes it's a technical sci-fi thriller, sometimes it's a sarcastic action blockbuster. Characters are never fleshed out beyond their personality tropes and base desires. Entire last 5 minutes is a laugh riot that brings the whole film down with it. Best viewed while drunk and falling asleep on your couch. Take a shot for every review on this site that mentions Alien and The Thing.

  • Freddy Got Fingered

    Freddy Got Fingered

    ★★★★★

    #ReleaseTheGreenCut

  • The Man with Two Brains

    The Man with Two Brains

    ★★★★★

    Put this on while unpacking from a move, realized 20 minutes in I was mouthing every line of dialogue without even looking at it

  • The Devil's Rain

    The Devil's Rain

    ★★★★★

    This movie should be a fucking litmus test for all cinema. Every second is incredible. Ernest Borgnine is acting his fucking ASS OFF and LOVING IT. Shatner goes more in than he ever did on the Enterprise. The soundtrack has no skips. Every frame a fucking painting. I'm high as fuck rn but god this movie rules so hard. Guaranteed I'm gonna watch this at least two more times before the end of the year.

  • Three Giant Men

    Three Giant Men

    ½

    This somehow gets more incomprehensible with every viewing, but the climax fight against the infinite teleporting Spidermen is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life

  • The Late Show

    The Late Show

    ★½

    This is a comedy/mystery without a single joke or a good mystery, leaving nothing but the decaying husk of Art Carney trying to play gumshoe to carry it to a feature length running time. Nobody has any chemistry on screen, like they're all individually acting in different films. Lily Tomlin is awful every second she's talking. Zero bite and a bleating bark.

  • Daddy Longlegs

    Daddy Longlegs

    ★★

    like taking a nap with your eyes open

  • The Wraith

    The Wraith

    ★★

    Not even close to as weird or violent as it needs to be to carry it over the line. Even the races/chases are desperately lacking in adrenaline. A juiced-up Drafthouse-style remake of this is easy to imagine. Needs every individual element cranked at least 200%.

  • Deathcheaters

    Deathcheaters

    ★★

    "When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?"
    *sobbing*

    The Simpsons, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show" (1997)

    This is like a bunch of teenagers trying to make a Mission Impossible sequel by filming themselves drifting someone's dad's Camaro in the empty field behind the high school, and then renting a jet ski during spring break for the "big finale".

    Takes itself way too seriously to have that kind of title. About 15% death cheating and 85% bland secret agent…

  • V-World Matrix

    V-World Matrix

    ½

    Hands down the most awkward sex scene in cinema history

    Like an LA skate vid where they spent so much time filming skits they forgot to film any skating

  • Road to Revenge

    Road to Revenge

    ★★★★★

    I'm legitimately a little speechless trying to convey my thoughts on this. It's got everything. Every scene is insane in a different way. I couldn't even tell you what the plot is. There's like 20 minutes dedicated to Wings Hauser drunkenly rambling and starting a new religion based on Huckleberry Finn. There's satanists and bad karate and a dog that eats ice cream. There's multiple sex scenes that made me want to never be horny again. John De Hart wrote…

  • Super Mario Bros: This Ain't No Video Game

    Super Mario Bros: This Ain't No Video Game

    Lot of insane comments and analogies that go nowhere. Last 3 minutes is an absolute roller coaster.

    Lot of pretty frustrating filmmaking mistakes too. John Leguizamo's entire interview is out of focus. Feels rushed for the bluray release deadline or something. Still worth it for the bizarre viewpoints from the few crew featured. The concept art shown is wild. Would have loved to see Hoskins ranting about this shitshow.