• Blacklight



    To say that Liam Neeson's performance is the best thing about this boring, hackneyed, drawn out and stupid thriller should not be a surprise.

    To say the editing through his "action" scenes is NOT the worst thing, however - now THAT'S a surprise.

    Honestly, Neeson is sleep-walking his way through this film, and still conveys more gravitas than the rest of the cast combined. He's also side-lined for too long by a particularly insipid sub-plot about a journalist who may…

  • The Mother the Son The Rat and The Gun

    The Mother the Son The Rat and The Gun


    Starts well with some inventive editing and solid performances helping gloss over the budget plot. But TMTSTRATG devolves into a bog standard crime drama 45 minutes in, and then devolves further into an overly long indie which can't hide its very apparent seams.

    2 Planted Microphones for TMTSTRATG.

  • Choose or Die

    Choose or Die

    You'd be hard pressed to find a film which cares less about making any sense whatsoever according to the laws of the world it establishes, and - one effective scene involving the eating of glass aside - is less effective at being disturbing, frightening or anything other than frown-in-consternation silly.

    Well done, Netflix. You've done it again!

    1 Favour Asa Butterfield Clearly Owed the Streaming Giant for Choose or Die.

  • Shivers



    Only a young David Cronenberg in the mid-70s could make a film about people being turned into rapey-near-zombies by parasitic worms which do whatever the script requires of them, that objectifies and marginalises women (including a horrendously disturbing decision to make a crucial character seem much younger than her stated age), with largely wooden actors, and a complete lack of anything approaching cohesiveness or internal logic to the script ...

    ... and yet still people will fall over themselves to…

  • My Science Project

    My Science Project


    Look, I know this isn't a 3-star film. It's probably barely scraping in for a 2.5 star effort with its low-budget, average script and broke-ass Back to the Future wannabe sensibility.

    But my nostalgia for My Science Project is large enough to overcome its obvious short-comings. I watched this so many times as a 10 year old, I'm surprised I don't (quite) know every word by heart - even if there has been 30 years since I last checked it out.

    So, let me have this one. Just this once.

    3 Hippie Science Teachers for My Science Project.

  • Top Gun: Maverick

    Top Gun: Maverick


    Top Gun: Maverick improves upon the Tony Scott 1986 original in most every meaningful way.

    But before you get too excited, I'm not one of those who worship at the alter of said original.

    The flying action is better staged and filmed by director Joseph Kosinski; the mission is the central focus of the film, rather than a tacked on after thought; the conflict this time around is a direct result of events from the original film, giving it more…

  • The Sadness

    The Sadness


    Though this is the kind of film which must come close to scarring some of the actors psychologically, it is not quite as grotesque or over the top with the gore as the mad marketing campaign would have you believe.

    Still, this clearly takes place in an alternate dimension in which humans have either evolved (or devolved) to contain more blood in their bodies because ... wow.

    3 Faces Sloughing Off for The Sadness.

  • Firestarter



    Oh wow.

    This second adaptation of the early Stephen King novel is - synth score (from John Carpenter, son Cody and Daniel Davies) and effective opening credit sequence aside - a straight misfire of a film

    Zero tension, no surprises, a small enough budget where you could almost see the seams on screen, and some exceptionally shoddy performances (Gloria Reuben is particularly terrible as villain Captain Hollister) combine to make Firestarter one of the year's worst releases.

    The changes from…

  • The Lost Boys

    The Lost Boys


    First rewatch of this in a very long time, and honestly, it was not quite the good time I remembered it to be.

    This may have been because I was lost in the shadows of some things going on in my life, or more likely because the people seemed strange this far removed from the '80s (especially Sam's wardrobe which was completely ludicrous).

    But, when all is said and done, I still believe this is a quality film and one…

  • Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness


    As the closest thing to a horror film the MCU is going to get, Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness has some merit. Bringing in Sam Raimi to take over from Scott Derrickson mostly pays dividends with his unique visual style and horror sensibilities adding a different arrow to the MCU's quiver.

    And whilst the journey Strange and new character to the MCU, America Chavez, go on has some fun moments, it never lives up to the potential that…

  • No One Gets Out Alive

    No One Gets Out Alive


    You might not get out alive, but I guarantee the only thing you'll die of is boredom.

    2 Really Obtuse Ghosts for No One Gets Out Alive.

  • Death on the Nile

    Death on the Nile


    I'm by no means an Agatha Christie reader and I've been told this is a poor adaptation of the source material. But I did not mind this one and it was significantly better than its predecessor, Murder on the Orient Express - PS3 level CGI not withstanding.

    3 Jealous Spurned Lovers for Death on the Nile.