Parole Violators

Parole Violators ★★★★

"Don't compare me to a bird! BIRDS ARE WEAK!"

The performances, narrative, and tone are all inept - but there's an action scene every two minutes, and every single one of them is amazing.

Ex-cop Miles Long (that's his real name, and the ridiculousness of it is brought up in the movie) now spends his days as the so-called "video-cop", following parolees around with a video camera and beating the shit out of them when they do wrong, leaving a tape for the police and another story for his (public access?) show. When a child molester that Long put away years ago played by Rey Garcia gets out of prison and starts kidnapping young girls again, Long makes it his mission to take this psycho out. Before he can really get going, however, Garcia kidnaps Long's girlfriend's daughter, and it's up to Long and his Cop Girlfriend Tracy to take down an entire syndicate of anti-video cop/pro-vengeance seeking child molesters.

Things that happen in this film:

-Long is thrown from great heights many times.
-Long is smashed through many windows.
-Long breaks one dude's nose at least three times.
-Long strains spaghetti and sauces it on his countertop.
-Tracy impales a crop-top wearing lady assassin on a single rusty nail and yells "I hope you've had your tetanus shot, BITCH!"
-Tracy kicks a man in the testicles and he smashes his head through the ceiling window of a van.
-Long throws a man out of the same van and he runs into a Yield sign.
-Tracy tries (and fails) to distract a guard with her camel-toe and comparing him to birds, all while in the back of a pick up truck.
-Long shoots a man point blank range right in his neck.

And more! Part of me is enjoying this ironically, but Parole Violators is legitimately exciting. It's paced incredibly and never slows down without being exhausting.

It just also happens to defy all forms of logic and taste along the way. It's amazing.

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