The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies ★½

jvince's 2014 Movie Rankings

Bilbo and his dwarf buddies protect a mountain filled with gold from armies of orcs, and elves, and... Zzzzzz... Huh? Oh, yay, it's finally over. Starring Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly, Lee Pace, Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, Christopher Lee, Luke Evans, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Ian Holm.

The Good: Martin Freeman. (You know an actor is great when he rises above and shines even in uninspired crap such as this.) Legolas jumping on falling blocks like Super Mario. (I laughed at that part. That was like Sharknado levels of ridiculousness right there.)

The Bad: Shoehorned characters. Forced love triangle. (Blech.) Laughable acting. Cringeworthy dialogue. (Example: "If this is love, why does it hurt so bad?" "Because it's real." Fuuuck... Who wrote this shit?) Drawn-out action. Drawn-out drama. Drawn-out everything. Shit effects everywhere. (Through the advancements in technology, they somehow managed to make the CGI look even more outdated than the LotR series. Even Dead Alive looks more believable than this... this video game.) Too much shit effects. (Way too much.) And last but certainly not the least, HFR. H-fucking-R. Even worse, HFR 3D. (Worst fucking migraine I've had in a while.)

The Bottom Line: Isn't it ironic that in The Hobbit, Tolkien preaches against greed yet Jackson's trio of prequels are the very definition of soulless, needless cash grabs? The Battle of the Five Armies is one sorry shit-turd of a conclusion to a trilogy of diminishing returns. A trilogy that really should've been just one movie.

The Scorecard:
Direction: ★½
Acting: ★½
Writing: ½
Visuals: ★½
Sound: ★★½
Entertainment: ★½
Overall Rating: ★½

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