Ladybug: Hurt people hurt people.

This plays as if Guy Ritchie read Murder on the Orient Express, watched Snowpiercer, and had a hankering to remake Smokin’ Aces, fell asleep somewhere while coming up with a way to tie it all together, and then met David Leitch in a bar somewhere in Japan who was all like “Heyyyyy…. this reminds me of a book I read this one time.”

It’s an enjoyable utter mess with nary a single idea or setpiece that’s as good as you feel the filmmakers believe they are. It also had me at one point thinking the only logical next step is for a twist reveal with someone like Ryan Reynolds showing up and… well… maybe I’m just lucky! I’ll never watch this again - it’s a hot mess and a headache and the cultural (in)appropriation is heinous. But for a couple of hours? Bullet Train moves fast enough without slowing down to create the illusion of movement and momentum, and that’ll do. Plus Brad Pitt. He’s got it where it counts, y’know?