I am actually flabbergasted. Marvel has outdone themselves here.

I just want to say, I went into the film with a very open mind. In the last week I got myself excited for the film. I really, really wanted to like it.

To call this film a pathetic fucking embarrassment is the biggest understatement of the century.

This film is so empty, so hollow, so fucking shallow, it’s literally nothing. The ‘plot’ is all a fucking meander, like I genuinely cannot believe it. It’s so anticlimactic. 

The worst thing is that I can’t even blame Sam Raimi, because I genuinely do not know how much of this film is his. Marvel dragged him back in fucking chains to force him to make reshoots adding scenes to the film he didn’t intend to be in there, according to Bruce Campbell (the most trustworthy source ever imaginable). So who knows what the film was supposed to be. 

This film feels so surprisingly tame. It’s so short and even though it’s supposed to have the grandness of the multiverse it feels so small. Don’t go in expecting that many surprises or cool new universes. They’re pretty much all revealed in the trailer and suck ass lol. 

Was extremely disappointed they didn’t go see an evil Tilda Swinton variant that looks like her from The Grand Budapest Hotel. *insert crying gif here*. No Tilda at all actually, so don’t get excited for that. 

I was hoping for some Raimi craziness and gore. And while I got some… it’s all fucking censored or toned down or offscreen or implied. However the Raimi shit is the stuff I liked. I liked the weird Zombie Strange with a cape full of evil spirits. Also Bruce Campbell cameo fans, you’ll be happy, I was haha. 

People have been saying this is the scariest MCU film? I say to that, yes absolutely, a film this terrible is truly scary. No but seriously, Spider-Man 2 is a scarier fucking movie than this.

I’m a big Scarlet Witch fan, no I didn’t love WandaVision because the show felt like it was written by a fucking 16 year old who’s really into books about grief, but this films Wanda is written by a fucking 3 year old. Wanda is a genuinely great character and I love Elizebeth Olsen. I was excited to see her go off and get her girlboss moment. But… fucking hell it sucks. It sucks so hard. 

Like… how embarrassing… how fucking embarrassing.

They turn Wanda who was always one of the most complex three dimensional Marvel characters into a two dimension caricature of herself. She is now ‘basic evil witch lady’. 

Awesome great…

I love how they completely removed Vision from this equation of Wanda’s loss. Someone she literally enslaved an entire town for just to be with again. He gets one mention. 

How on earth in apparently every other dimension does Wanda have kids with a fuckless spermless robot? Is Vision a human in every other universe? Is Wanda enslaving another town to see her kids? Is Wanda with another guy? Did Wanda adopt her kids? Why doesn’t our Wanda just adopt some kids? 

Like I know it’s a dumb Marvel movie and I’m not supposed to question everything but they literally made an entire 9 episode series about how important Vision is to Wanda. 

It’s almost like Sam Raimi didn’t watch WandaVision… oh… wait he didn’t.

Yeah I’m sorry Sam, I really wanted to enjoy the ride. But this film is so badly written, poorly structured and feels so soulless. When this is an actual frame in your film and is supposed to be a big cool moment, yeah you know you’ve got a problem, I laughed so hard in the theatre. 

OH. One massive positive. The fight scene utilising musical notes was fucking awesome. I loved that. 

Everyone reading this review, I urge you, instead of going to see this, watch Everything Everywhere All At Once. A genuinely creative, heartfelt, insane, funny, emotional multiverse film that has a soul. And if you’re in some mood for some Sam Raimi fun craziness watch Evil Dead II, then Army Of Darkness. You’ll have an amazing time. Please do not watch this. 

I’m so glad I used my free tickets for this movie, so don’t blame me when this hits 99 billion dollars haha.

So yeah, to say it again. How embarrassing.