Jared

Maybe no one really exists and it’s only raining outside

Favorite films

  • The Shining
  • Enter the Void
  • Tetsuo: The Iron Man
  • Mandy

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  • Crank

    ★★★½

  • Hunter

    ★★★½

  • The Menu

    ★★

  • Prehistoric Beast

    ★★★½

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  • Nightmare Alley

    Nightmare Alley

    ★★½

    Nightmare Alley was quite good and unfortunately, that's why I feel compelled to tear it to shreds. Bear with me. Imagine going to the fanciest steakhouse in town. But it's not just any nice steakhouse. You've been hearing about it, word on the street is that it's THE new place to be. It's helmed by a renowned chef, the kind of chef that enthusiasts talk about in hushed tones because to say his name out loud would be to invoke…

  • The Batman

    The Batman

    ★★★★

    I don't know how to approach a review because there's only so much a Batman fanboy with no industry knowledge can contribute to the conversation regarding a monolithic blockbuster. If it wasn't clear enough with the inclusion of "The" in the title, Robert Pattinson's eyeliner, and the use of Nirvana music in every trailer - this film takes itself VERY seriously. It's like Matt Reeves personally caught you thinking this wouldn't be an emo sadboy grungecore dark gritty depressing artsy…

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  • Crank

    Crank

    ★★★½

    I need to finish the last 15 minutes or so cuz I literally was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open, but damn! Crank was wild. I think the Safdie brothers almost definitely love this movie.

  • The Menu

    The Menu

    ★★

    I felt absolutely nothing. Disappointing year for movies man :/

Popular reviews

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  • Twin Peaks: The Return

    Twin Peaks: The Return

    ★★★★★

    What can be said of 'The Return,' David Lynch's 18 hour spectacle that brings us back to the mysterious northwestern town of Twin Peaks? What can I say in a short online review that couldn't be discussed and dissected by scholars for hundreds of years? 'The Return' is perhaps the most enigmatic yet singularly stunning accomplishment in film history. Twenty-five years after we first asked the question of who killed Laura Palmer, Lynch has managed to regroup the original actors…

  • Jojo Rabbit

    Jojo Rabbit

    ★★★★½

    It’s too bad that Taika Waititi has been throughly Marvel-ized at this point, because anyone with the ability to write the “die Nathan die” scene in JJR clearly is teetering on the edge of comedic genius. Interestingly enough, that was the primary draw of the movie for me - the humor. Pretty much the only glaring weakness is that it sets itself up as an insightful satirical commentary on the Third Reich (and has thus birthed a thousand extremely obnoxious…