• My Bloody Valentine

    My Bloody Valentine

    For what it's worth, this isn't nearly as repulsive as the other schlocky horror remakes of the 2000s, but like those, it's just another mean-spirited, less prolific version of its source material. Tom Atkins is in this though, and I cheered every time he was on screen, so for that alone I did have a decent time with this.

  • Conquest

    Conquest

    A dream captured on film. Something only the subconscious mind could conjure up. No significant plot or meaning, but an experience, one of idiosyncrasy. Just kick back and fall into the dreamscape.

  • Speed Racer

    Speed Racer

    How does this even exist? Literally a cartoon come-to-life, a rare live-action reimagining that respects and fully embraces the zany, cartoonish nature of its source material. It's a totally mesmerizing experience. A visual triumph.

  • Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

    Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

    Better than its predecessor in every conceivable way. Perhaps not the most original story, but every story has been told before; how it's told is what makes it unique. In this case, Dawn is similar to Avatar in that it's a familiar story that's very much elevated by a twist of science-fiction and by an astonishing use of CGI. Even when he's playing a motion-captured CGI ape, Andy Serkis has an incredible screen presence. The third act goes bananas (haha) and has me properly excited to visit the third installment.

  • Rise of the Planet of the Apes

    Rise of the Planet of the Apes

    About as pedestrian as they come. The classic "humanity bad, nature good" story, but told in the most boring way possible. Generic scientists do generic scientist things and everything hits the fan. The apes finally escape and things get somewhat interesting, but the 1 hour and 20 minutes that precede that are painful. Bleh.

  • Sisters

    Sisters

    The final 20 minutes or so are gold, but the other 70 minutes are a painfully predictable and dull mashup of a number of Hitchcock films. Margot Kidder and Jennifer Salt are a treat, though.

  • Saltburn

    Saltburn

    Unbelievably cringe, self-indulgent bullshit that thinks scenes of people drinking menstrual blood and bath water will trick its audience into thinking that this is something deep and boundary-pushing. Written by a tumblr user and shot by a music video DP.

  • RoboCop

    RoboCop

    What I expected to be a stupid B-movie turned out to be, well, a stupid B-movie, but one with heart. And I happen to like stupid B-movies, especially when they have heart. I found Murphy's arc genuinely touching, despite how silly the whole story may be at face value. This is very alluring on the visual front, as well as in the editing department. Love how this routinely cuts to news reels. Good stuff.

  • Escape from L.A.

    Escape from L.A.

    Yeah, it's very much a watered down version of its predecessor, but its predecessor doesn't have Snake play a life-or-death game of basketball, nor does it have a wicked Bruce Campbell cameo. Definitely lower-tier Carpenter, but I think it's a tad overhated. We don't get zany blockbusters like this anymore.

  • Evil Dead II

    Evil Dead II

    I'm more of an Army of Darkness guy, but I'd be lying if I said I don't reconsider that every time I watch this.

  • The Terminator

    The Terminator

    Halloween, but with a gun-toting killer android. A match made in heaven.

  • The Matrix Revolutions

    The Matrix Revolutions

    All the flying robots and giant mechs in the world couldn't save that middle hour from being possibly the most boring, uninspired action featuring some of the most boring, uninspired characters ever put to screen. Brutal. Though, for what it's worth, I find everything that came before and everything that came after quite interesting. 

    "Oh no. No I didn't. But I believed. I believed."