• Upgrade

    Upgrade

    ★★★½

    I was really banking on Draco Zuckerberg having a more deliberate role in the overall scheme but perhaps its a testament to the horror of truth over fiction that our real-life technocrats are more unsettling and inhuman than Elon Malfoy turned out to be.

  • My Big Fat Greek Wedding

    My Big Fat Greek Wedding

    Nobody:

    Nia Vardalos:
    ⊙_⊙
    ( ⚆_⚆)
    (◕_◕ )
    ( ◔_◔)
    ⊙_⊙

  • Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey

    Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey

    A movie about animal abuse. Hug your pets.

  • The Mummy

    The Mummy

    Less of a monster movie and more of a lover’s quarrel between a man in love with a woman he’s known for 5 minutes after abducting her and a man in love with a woman he’s known for 3700 years after abducting her generational avatar.

    Ok so it’s kind of a monster movie.

  • Sleepaway Camp

    Sleepaway Camp

    At first the acting, plot beats and character motivations are confounding and bizarre. You slog through an inexplicable 10-minute baseball scene trying to figure out how self aware anyone involved in this film is. Finally you get to the end floored by a genuinely creepy climax and you think just maybe this is a landmark in LGBT cinema. The homoeroticism alone is off the charts.

  • Eyes Without a Face

    Eyes Without a Face

    "There is so much at stake: young women's innocent lives, mounting murder charges and my daughter's ever-diminishing sanity. I MUST get this right this time" the Doctor thinks to himself as he spends five seconds tracing a crooked, disjointed line around his newest victim's face then hastily swerving his scalpel across the reference line with the surgical precision of a 5-year old carving a pumpkin.

  • The Big Lebowski

    The Big Lebowski

    ★★★★★

    The only goal of this review is so maybe my dad will see it and he'll rewatch this because he gave it 3 1/2 stars and that is unacceptable and as we all know, if you aren't giving this multiple viewings, you aren't really rewarding yourself.

  • Ad Astra

    Ad Astra

    So how did the lady on Mars got a five-foot decorative birdcage into her office? Does Mars have a complete supply chain for bougie decorative knick-knacks including a Pier One Imports? Or did she have to run a high-stakes smuggling operation to get it past the Moon Pirates? Or does Moon-DHL just ship directly to Mars and if so, why was Brad Pitt's mission not worth DHL's `skip-the-moon-pirate-death-gauntlet` priority service? How exactly do they build the infrastructure for far-side moon…

  • The Dark Knight Rises

    The Dark Knight Rises

    Christopher Nolan demonstrates that even he can't keep capeshit from getting a little stale.