• Morbius

    Morbius

    i watched the 1 minute 2 second sped up version from twitter and i think i've seen enough

  • Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

    Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

    watched in sync with dark side of the moon to glorious effect

  • Joker

    Joker

    ★★★

    not enough sex scenes

  • House of Gucci

    House of Gucci

    ★★★

    i just dont understand how the film was so serious and jared leto was released upon it out of nowhere and kept popping up like he was live action mario

  • The Green Knight

    The Green Knight

    ★★★★

    is this a christmas movie?

  • Pride & Prejudice

    Pride & Prejudice

    ★★★½

    jane austen: this character is going to be the purest, sweetest, prettiest, kindest character i have ever written
    jane austen: everybody will love her
    jane austen: she is her mother's favourite
    jane austen: a rich, kind, handsome bachelor falls instantly in love with her
    jane austen: the heroine looks up to her
    jane austen: she has never done anything wrong in her entire life
    jane austen: if she has any character flaws at all its that she is TOO much of an absolute sweetheart
    jane austen: and i will call her .....
    jane austen: jane :-)

  • Cats

    Cats

    ★½

    i saw cats last night and i still haven’t recovered. here is a play-by-play of my experience
    - the movie begins. the audience is rife with anticipatory giggles. some lady in the back row loudly says “can we be quiet now, please? let us watch the movie in silence” in a displeased russian accent.
    we will inevitably disappoint her
    - in the first 5 minutes, while crying with laughter, i decide this movie is actually about a human who gets…

  • The Empire Strikes Back

    The Empire Strikes Back

    ★★★★½

    yoda in the originals: hee hee hoo hoo little creature i am. ooooo huuhuhuhu
    yoda in the prequels: backflip i do. responsible for war crimes i am.

  • Weird Science

    Weird Science

    ★★★

    horny cat in the hat

  • The Boondock Saints

    The Boondock Saints

    ★★★½

    the entire third act of this movie is camp

  • Avengers: Endgame

    Avengers: Endgame

    ★★★★½

    the hulk dabbed. thor said “noobmaster69” out loud. korg plays fortnite. i need everyone to understand none of these are jokes

  • Across the Universe

    Across the Universe

    ★★★★½

    this is the only movie ever made