• The Green Knight

    The Green Knight

    ★★★★

    is this a christmas movie?

  • Pride & Prejudice

    Pride & Prejudice

    ★★★½

    jane austen: this character is going to be the purest, sweetest, prettiest, kindest character i have ever written
    jane austen: everybody will love her
    jane austen: she is her mother's favourite
    jane austen: a rich, kind, handsome bachelor falls instantly in love with her
    jane austen: the heroine looks up to her
    jane austen: she has never done anything wrong in her entire life
    jane austen: if she has any character flaws at all its that she is TOO much of an absolute sweetheart
    jane austen: and i will call her .....
    jane austen: jane :-)

  • Cats

    Cats

    ★½

    i saw cats last night and i still haven’t recovered. here is a play-by-play of my experience
    - the movie begins. the audience is rife with anticipatory giggles. some lady in the back row loudly says “can we be quiet now, please? let us watch the movie in silence” in a displeased russian accent.
    we will inevitably disappoint her
    - in the first 5 minutes, while crying with laughter, i decide this movie is actually about a human who gets…

  • The Empire Strikes Back

    The Empire Strikes Back

    yoda in the originals: hee hee hoo hoo little creature i am. ooooo huuhuhuhu
    yoda in the prequels: backflip i do. responsible for war crimes i am.

  • Weird Science

    Weird Science

    ★★★

    horny cat in the hat

  • The Boondock Saints

    The Boondock Saints

    ★★★½

    the entire third act of this movie is camp

  • Avengers: Endgame

    Avengers: Endgame

    ★★★★½

    the hulk dabbed. thor said “noobmaster69” out loud. korg plays fortnite. i need everyone to understand none of these are jokes

  • Across the Universe

    Across the Universe

    ★★★★½

    this is the only movie ever made

  • Avengers: Infinity War

    Avengers: Infinity War

    ★★★★½

    objective best parts of this movie in no particular order:
    - bucky picking up rocket and spinning around with him like julie andrews
    - wong pretending that masters of the mystic arts don’t carry money when dr. strange is going to get something from the deli
    - “you’ll die alone.” “she’s not alone.”
    - “i am groot.” “i am steve rogers.”
    - “we kick names and take ass.”
    - the cloak of levitation doing more superhero work than the rest…

  • Pulp Fiction

    Pulp Fiction

    ★★★★★

    the only great emoji movie:
    🍳☕️🔫
    🍟🍔💼🔫👣
    🍔💃💊👃💉
    ⌚️😉💩
    👊😵🚕🏨⌚️🔫👣🚦🔫👣
    🚘🔫👣😳🚿👕
    🍳☕️🔫💵💼👍

  • The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

    The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

    ★★★½

    where's jeff goldbum's oscar for his riveting performance as captain ascot Hennessy?????? this man of myth was ROBBED

  • Star Wars: The Last Jedi

    Star Wars: The Last Jedi

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    list of all extremely dramatic and inherently gay moments in the last jedi
    - the fucking red backdrop in snoke’s boudoir… his jeff goldblum robe... the guards
    - kyle’s fucking bandaid, unnecessary ship spinning
    - luke, the dramatic door slam, the milk drinking, harpoons… “i came here to DIE”
    - everyone is just SLAPPING EACHOTHER
    - carrie fisher force moment
    - “that was leia’s last official act, right? to demote you?” mmmm watcha say
    - luke’s fucking palm frond
    -…