The Northman

The Northman ★★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

I fucking loved The Lighthouse and was really hoping this would be great, but it's actually a pretty big let down especially after all the rave reviews declaring it the second coming.

It's basically just fucking shallow Hamlet starring the shit Skarsgard.
The melancholy sets in pretty quickly when it immediately devolves into the one thing I explicitly despise in these indie arsehouse flicks: flabby naked weirdos screaming and farting for no reason. It was with an exasperated sigh, I really fucking tried to give this a proper chance.

I didn't think it was anything special. It's competently shot, but nothing captivating. The plot is barebones and lacklustre. Come on now, why on earth is this 2 hours and 17 mins long? It's a basic revenge story where almost fuck all happens.

The characters have really little depth and their motivations jump around or are exposited as "because magic did it." What was Anya's character doing in this? So first of all, Hamlet raids, kills and enslaves you and your fucking town, but then you're great pals with him to the point of happily bearing his children instead of knifing his todger off? There's no real growth or insight into any of this. That goes double for the magic bullshit. Sorry I didn't take it in fucking history, can you explain what in the actual hell is happening between all the blither and blather? It's just The Crow and the Count of Monte Cristo, except the victims are gormless idiots, he has magic plot armour for no discernible reason and only kills about 5 people on screen.

Not impressed. I have some issues with Vikings as well, but by christ I'd watch two hours of Ragnar Lothbrok kicking arse over this again.

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