• Napoleon



    “Destiny has brought me this lamb chop!”

    Wooh! I’ve finally caught up to our current month! Catching up from my back log in April till now in a little over a month. 

    NaBeauleon is Afraid apparently. The comedic word of mouth echoing elements of Gucci camp are valid and welcome. Big year for Phoenix and playing a manic simp with mommy issues. As for Sir Ridley Scott, when it comes to historical epics, he does not miss—we don’t talk about…

  • No One Gets Out Alive

    No One Gets Out Alive


    A big disappointment having come from the same author of The Ritual. That being my only point of intrigue going in, I was very let down when the movie ended up just being 80 min of uncreative background horror that builds up to a clichéd resolution. It’s a whole lot of sluggish build-up for 5min of a cool (carnivorous vagina The Forest-esque) monster. I’d honestly just tell you to look up the final 10min of the movie if you’re interested at all. Perhaps it all works better on page.

  • Silent Night

    Silent Night


    [in writing]: “Kill them all!”

    The master has become observer, as unfortunately John Woo just doesn’t have the same gravitas anymore. It’s a strange cannibalistic cycle where his foundation of gunfu opened the flying dove adorned windows to the action world in the 80-90s, so poring the likes of The Matrix, which in return inspired a whole generation and still does today. But now the likes of John Wick and The Raid have in the 21st century, taken that throne.…

  • The Raid

    The Raid


    “I never like using guns. It takes away the rush. Squeezing the trigger is like ordering takeout,”

    Primed the western world for John Wick, and essentially revived the martial arts genre from its slumber—in addition to introducing many to the Pencak Silat style. Whenever there’s a terrific action movie with amazing fight choreography these days, it seems like the immediate litmus test goes to comparing it against Wick, but many tend to forget this released 2 years prior, and probably…

  • Conan the Barbarian

    Conan the Barbarian


    “It is said his sword is harder and longer than most.”

    Purely watching for Jason Momoa, but a welcome surprise when SLang and Ron Perlman popped up. I can’t blame Momoa for taking on an iconic badass warrior role, and one fitted terrifically for him—released hot off the world being introduced to Khal Drogo. He is not to blame nor is he bad in the role; he’s no Arnold, but then again nobody is or ever will be. This isn’t…

  • Reptile



    “You can’t be a cop forever.”

    Despite going for the well-beaten path of another Se7en imitation meets true crime craze, this reminded me a bit more of Copland and the third act of 21 Bridges. It’s an easy mystery to solve within the first act, but Benecio del Toro brings in not only another quality performance but a subdued yet natural tenderness to his relationship with Alicia Silverstone. He also has some intriguing and entertaining quirks throughout his investigation—like the kitchen faucet—which I assume arise from his involvement in the screenplay process.

    2023 RANKED

  • Fool's Paradise

    Fool's Paradise


    “The house was built by Orson Welles, but I had to remodel the whole place; he had terrible taste.”

    Charlie Day attempts to make his own Under the Silver Lake, but replacing Andrew Garfield with himself playing a discount Charlie Chaplin, Riley Keogh with Ken Jeong playing post-changnesia Chang, and even throws in a culty old man monologue from John Malkovich. I don’t know how he got so many stars to show up—my welcome surprise when Kate Beckinsale popped up—but…

  • Little Monsters

    Little Monsters


    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    “Daniel Day Lewis just came in his pants!”

    Fun little Aussie zombie raunchy comedy (a bit of a jingle there) with surprisingly good chemistry between the very random cast. Shout-out to Lupita for taking this role on fully committed, and this might also be Josh Gad’s best role (barring his brief screentime in The Internship). I’d also like to highlight the great dynamic between the annoying unemployed, homeless failed rockstar Alexander England plays and his loving innocently wide-eyed nephew—the Darth…

  • Eileen



    “I bet you have brilliant dreams; I bet you dream of other worlds.”

    Ottessa Moshfegh mob, rise! We finally get a long awaited adaptation of one of her various great books—still waiting on Anya or Sweeney to take on My Year of Rest and Relaxation. I won’t be the first or last to see the similarities, but Eileen feels a lot like Carol (despite Eileen being set a decade after in the 60s), and I mean this only as a compliment:…

  • That's My Boy

    That's My Boy


    “Vanilla Ice had sex with grandma?!”

    Raunchy and hilarious. One of my friend’s fave movies of all-time, and this rewatch really had us laughing from start to finish. I’m not sure why we haven’t already gotten a movie with the Sandman, Samberg, and Pete Davidson: all three share similar energy.

    PS: Susan Sarandon, call me.

  • Resident Evil: Death Island

    Resident Evil: Death Island


    Quite unmemorable and lacking in any epic badassness for a movie that boasts the big three together at last: Leon, Chris, Claire. Felt more like a poor DLC addition studios give you to gather a little more cash before finally leaving the game for good. Alas, I’ll still keep waiting for us to get a worthwhile mega team up in game—no I don’t count 6, despite it being bad fun in coop. 


  • Thanksgiving



    “She’s been cooking all day!”

    Nice to see Eli Roth is a fellow fan of Happy Birthday to Me! I’ll go ahead and say it: this is Eli Roth’s best film. An excellent addition to the holiday slasher subgenre, and one I hope we see more of. No better accolade for a slasher than to claim it captures the atmosphere and gory fun of the golden age 80s. Quite apropos that Thanksgiving gives us a deliciously fun new masked killer…