The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies ★★½

Oh, thank Christ. I thought it was just me.

Walking out of the movie theater, I felt so, so bad I didn't like this movie as much as my mother, or the rest of the audience did. That I didn't feel as emotional as I should have, considering that this is the final Lord of the Rings movie Peter Jackson will ever make.

But perhaps this is my fault for not seeing the other two Hobbit movies before this one. It's not my fault, I swear. It's not my fault my mother woke up this morning and spontaneously decided to treat the entire family to the IMAX screening of the Five Armies - and man, who am I to say no to a free IMAX screening?

So I went to see the last part of the Hobbit trilogy, even if I've never seen the first two parts. The joke was on me: Five Armies starts in medias res, with people running away from Benedict Cumberbatch the Dragon and yelling and hoarding gold and all that other stuff. I thought Luke Evans was supposed to be Thorin the Dwarf, and so, for the first couple of minutes, I was confused and wondered why the Middle Earth dwarfs suddenly had a growth spurt.

Totally my fault then, yes?

Okay, so that part's on me. But everything else, I'm not so sure. For a finale, Five Armies felt surprisingly lacking and it was obvious they prioritized the action over the story. The action was sweet, yes - because seeing five armies slug it out on the big screen is never a bad thing - but everything else was just flat and unmemorable. This reminded me of the Harry Potter finale and that's not a good thing, because the HP finale was exactly the same. So much hype building you up for a bang, but only delivering a pathetic whimper in the end.

The Battle of the Five Armies also comes with a helluva bunch of callbacks to the LOTR series and it is not fun. Like: "Oh, that's the chain mail thingy Frodo wears, haha cool." Or: "Hey, look, he's talking about Aragorn. Whatever."

Speaking of which - now, I'm thinking if maybe the Lord of the Rings wasn't really that great of a trilogy and if maybe it's just nostalgia that's making it look better than it actually is. One good thing about this movie at least is that it's making me want to revisit the LOTR trilogy, if only to make sure it didn't suck as bad.

One other good thing about watching this movie was that there was this one guy at the back who kept reacting to all the fight scenes on screen.

Movie: *someone gets killed*
Guy: AUGH!
Movie: *someone gets killed again*
Guy: AAH!

I love this guy. He cracked me up so hard. I should have bought him some more popcorn or something.

There is also this: Galadriel vs. Sauron should be fun to watch when you're stoned. Or drunk. Or both.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe the reason why I was so disappointed is because I came in here looking for Smaug, when it turns out he was just in it for the first couple of minutes. Deceivers! Putting a dragon in the poster when all I get is a power-mad dwarf instead. Deceivers, all of you!

Ah, well. Good thing there's a lot of Legolas to make up for it. One pretty boy for another, eh? I guess you can only have one pretty boy on screen for so long. Darnnit.

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