X

X ★★★

Occasionally immaculate cokey vibes & I’ll watch Jenna Ortega in anything but STOP ENCOURAGING HORROR FILMMAKERS TO KEEP MAKING OLD FOLKS SEEM SCARY, YOU FAKEWOKE BLINDSPOTTED AGEIST FUCKS!!!!!! 








Classic case of the good about a film and the bad about a film running into each other at high speed and bonking each other’s heads like in a Looney Tunes cartoon….just kinda muddles everything. 

Oh, you love just about every display of style to be found, especially every touch about the first murder sequence (from the Blue Oyster Cult to the splashes of blood to the way she stabs him to the dazed dancing afterward)? Then can we ruin that for you by the whole premise of what’s spooky here being the aforementioned stigmatizing of staying alive a long time and having old bodies??? (Since fucking when do old bodies even look like that ……….)

Oh, you love Jenna Ortega’s character? Can we then involve sam levinson as a producer which is a guarantee that you’ll see how nice her ass looks in panties, since she’s just barely legal and you haven’t been able to see her that way before? 

Oh, you like alligator movies? Well, can we interest you in an excellent (literally incredible) alligator in daylight scene for tension-building but then a nighttime alligator kill that you literally can’t even see? 

And carrying over from the Suspiria remake, there is just something about Mia Goth that bugs me! Sorry!! I know many of you stan but she can’t be trusted, for some reason! Nothing specific tho! But I’m keeping my eye on her!!!

Anyway, at least I finally watched since A24 is just pissing their pants to get this spoiler-y sequel out into the marketplace before the previous movie’s corpse is even cold. (Thanks Obama voice) Thanks A24!!

P.S. here’s Rachel’s much shorter and much better review

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