• Space Jam

    Space Jam

    ★½

    something unholy and profane about this ridiculous delirious "film." from the bad cartoon compositing that makes Roger Rabbit seem like a miracle, to the sedate and stilted acting from Michael Jordan, who just seems vaguely annoyed to be here, to the plot and stakes, which are somehow the potential alien enslavement of both Jordan and the entire crew of Looney Tunes (all of whom are sickeningly aware of their status as fictional pieces of IP owned by Warner Brothers. presumably…

  • Doctor Sleep

    Doctor Sleep

    ★★½

    you see i feel bad about this one, i really do. you tell me you're making a sequel to The Shining and I immediately tell you that's a really stupid idea. and then this movie goes and it tries as hard as it can do be at least watchable in spite of how ill-advised it is on almost every level to the degree where i just feel kinda bad about it. is this film as bad as it could have…

  • Knight of Cups

    Knight of Cups

    ★★★★½

    this is terrence malick's *dudes rock version* of INLAND EMPIRE.

    ominous shot of two Bros playing wii sports tennis in a palatial mansion while antonio banderas talks about women being like flavors of ice cream and christian bale’s dead(?) father keeps whispering depressive poetry referencing at least three different philosophical texts

    really loved this, felt like terry really pushing himself out of his comfort zone in terms of his style, or rather trying to find the limits of it. just…

  • Ocean's Twelve

    Ocean's Twelve

    ★★★½

    the tone of this film tries to convince you that everyone involved, from the actors to the writer to most definitely the director, is just fucking around. just vibing. i bet the catering budget was insane.

  • Another Round

    Another Round

    ★★★

    this (mostly dull) film ignores any moralization about whether or not it's "okay" to drink heavily every day and instead just kinda shrugs and says "Well There Are Many Benefits And Drawbacks To Alcohol" then shows mads mikkelson dancing like he's denis lavant. dudes rock cinematic canon.

    what if they made the sequel about four middle school teachers in denver colorado who decide to become perpetually stoned? name it "another toke," cast seth rogen, call it a day. i'll take my hollywood check now, thank you very much.

  • The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It

    The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It

    ★★

    like a certain bloated corpse that creates a ruckus in a morgue, The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It is flabby, with less gonzo set pieces and showy filmmaking than the previous entries. i dunno, shit just wasn't a romp. you could have just cut out the demons and made a Warren domestic drama for way less money, and you'd still attract the same audience at this point. credit where credit is due, all the loony 80's satanic panic…

  • The Matrix

    The Matrix

    ★★★½

    more blockbusters need to feel like you're at a techno-rave in the 90's

  • Spiral: From the Book of Saw

    Spiral: From the Book of Saw

    just a failure on all fronts, which isn't exactly new for the saw franchise. what makes this a little more interesting/tragic is that everyone involved (except maybe Samuel L. Jackson) clearly really tried with this one. a level of effort is on display unseen in the franchise since like Saw 3, all for nothing, pissed away with a miscast Chris Rock foolishly giving it his all, turgid plotting, and the two worst sins a saw movie can enact: the traps…

  • Army of the Dead

    Army of the Dead

    ★★½

    despite not really thinking that any of his films are, y'know, great, I'm nevertheless always engaged with zach snyder's oeuvre. his goal is seemingly to create the most chaotic action blockbusters imaginable, with gleeful thematic incoherence, crayola crayon characterization, and a bizarro creative choice roughly every 15 minutes. what i genuinely do like about him is how he edits and shoots action sequences like music videos, putting every ounce of style and craft he can into letting the cheesiest possible…

  • The Devil's Advocate

    The Devil's Advocate

    just chaotic stupid 90's kitschy trash, only somewhat saved by Al Pacino's choice to play The Devil as a normal Al Pacino character but like 200% hornier than usual. and normal Al Pacino is already really fuckin' horny.

  • Saw

    Saw

    ★★½

    i once spent a year working at an escape room, a truly regrettable life choice. my job was to provide assistance through the various puzzles to groups in the rooms, so it required me to keep track of where teams were when solving each sequence of puzzles so that I could radio in with appropriate hints when they ask for help. watching families, co-workers, and groups of friends all progress through the same set of challenges over and over again…

  • American Psycho

    American Psycho

    ★★★½

    diet Vampire's Kiss but with the gore and vaporwave aesthetics dialed up