Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Ascending ★★★

This movie has a million reasons to hate it, and that's before I get to that prick Eddie Redmayne being in it. His character's name is Balem Abrasax, which I thought was an ointment you rubbed on Haemorrhoids, which is appropriate given that he's an arsehole. You know those actors that catch all the breaks, the critical acclaim, have a posh accent and have never starved or waited tables to pay the bills? Well that's Redmayne, a former Trinity College Cambridge graduate who before the age of 40 has an Oscar, a BAFTA, a Golden Globe, a Tony, and even an OBE. The fucker was even a model? Knitting patterns I'm assuming, but he's now moved right to the top of my shit list, so when he appears in a movie I watch, expect him to be abused like a ginger-headed stepchild!

Jupiter Ascending is a confusing film, and that's not just because Andy and Larry suddenly became Lilly and Lana, this has characters that are part human part honeybee, part human part deer, and part human part canine, which begs the question, who been fucking who? I know, I know, I'm being crass, it's all about gene splicing and DNA mixing, but I've often wondered if my dog was part human too. He hates vegetables, just like me, dislikes Greta Thunberg, just like me, and is in favour of scrapping the VAR in professional football, which makes him even smarter than me. He also likes Mila Kunis, which is convenient here given that she's the star of the show alongside Sean Bean as an intergalactic super-soldier with a Yorkshire accent. So it's cleaners, Queens, prosthetic ears and wings, and the dressing-up box being well and truly emptied. Making sense of it is harder to do than explain why Maria Doyle Kennedy tries to put on a Russian accent, but if you leave your brain at the door, enjoy the costumes and the other worldly shenanigans, you might just enjoy this one. It has plenty of action, the visuals from The Wachowski's are suitably impressive, and spoiler alert, Redmayne sucks!

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