Da 5 Bloods

Da 5 Bloods

BREAKING NEWS: Warner Brothers Announces New "Driving" Movie In Response To Spike Lee's Latest

In response to Spike Lee's latest film, Da 5 Bloods, Warner Brothers announced today that it plans to release a new film this December that deals with the delicate subject of race in this country through two people driving around in a car. The movie, which still does not have a title, was intended as a direct response to Lee's film, hoping to yet again nab Best Picture from the acclaimed director. "Yeah, we saw Spike had a new movie coming out, and with all the Oscar buzz Netflix has been getting lately, we couldn't just let that one slide," the president of Warner Bros, Ann Sarnoff, said in an interview. "Driving Miss Daisy beat Do the Right Thing, Green Book beat BlacKkKlansman -- I mean, what are we supposed to do, send Spike off to the Oscars without some stiff competition? What is this, a coronation?"

While the film's plot has been kept mostly under wraps, Sarnoff confirmed that the main storyline centered around "ending racism by having two people drive around in a car for two hours," and was made solely for the purpose of beating Lee's film. "I mean, yeah, Spike's movie is definitely gonna be more thought-provoking and isn't gonna give the easy answers," Sarnoff said. "That's a given. But shit, who doesn't love a good old, 'people driving around in a car and ending racism' movie? There's nothing I'd rather take my lily-white grandchildren to."

When asked if the film would take a more progressive approach to the genre than Driving Miss Daisy or Green Book, Sarnoff was quick to respond. "Oh God no," she shot back, "No, if anything this is gonna be far more patronizing than the last two. I mean, we've seen a black person drive a white person around, and we've seen a white person drive a black person around, but this time it's literally just gonna be two white people. They just burn rubber and chat about racism, and at the end they bravely refuse to run over a black person when he walks across the street. That's literally it."

Delving into the specific aspects of racism the movie would deal with, Sarnoff said, "There'll definitely be a scene where they're pulled over by a cop and the cop almost arrests them. And then when they drive away scot-free, the one white guy remarks to the other, 'Wow, now I know what it's like to be black in this country.' And there'll be another scene where one of the white guys decides to end racism by finding a black friend. It's mostly just shit like that." Going further, Sarnoff added, "And if you think there isn't gonna be some condescending fried chicken scene in there somewhere, you've got another thing coming. There's an entire sequence where the two white dudes get drive-thru KFC and spend the whole time telling the cashier how much they love black people. It's a really powerful moment."

While the cast for the film has not yet been revealed, Sarnoff promised that it will "definitely be controversial," with at least one confirmed Trump supporter in a leading role, and a couple actors with "really homophobic Twitter accounts" tossed in the supporting cast for good measure. "I mean, there's like a good fifteen minutes where the two lead characters just talk jive like the characters from Airplane, and then say they understand the 'black experience' when they're done. Seriously, what do you want from us at this point?"

Sarnoff also later confirmed that the movie would "definitely not" tackle the prevailing issue of systemic racism in this country, and instead focus more on how one of the characters handing a black man a twenty dollar bill and giving him a firm handshake thoroughly absolves white people of racism forever. "Spike Lee can keep on making challenging, emotionally powerful movies that deal with race in complex ways and reflect our troubled past," Sarnoff scoffed. "Come next February, though, we're gonna be the ones cleaning house."

The film is currently slated to hit theaters December 18, 2020.

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