Pig ★★★½

Nicolas Cage’s agent calling him about the role in Pig:

ring… ring… ring…ring… (fast forward to the eighteenth ring)…

The Cage: “Uuuhhhh huuuuulllooo?”

The Age: “Hey Nic! You awake? You sober? You awake and sober?”

The Cage: “I’ll take Choice D. What the **** do you want, Todd?”

The Age: “Well Nic, I wouldn’t call you so early in the late afternoon if it wasn’t for something important. I have got a killer script for you. You play a bizarre, unwashed recluse obsessed with finding truffles with his pig best friend.”

The Cage: “For Christ’s Sake, Todd! I know I’ve gained a lot of weight, but we-and all of Hollywood-know that I can lose it all over a long weekend. I refuse to play a pig that does the Truffle Shuffle! Goonies has not aged well.”

The Age: “Nic! Stick your head in an ice bucket for me, here. That is not what the movie’s about! You’ve shunned life in the city to live in the country with your pig best friend.”

The Cage: “Ummmm… Todd! George Miller just made Mad Max: Fury Road! He’s not gonna go back and make Babe Part 2: A Pig in the Country. And once again: I DON’T PLAY PIGS!

The Age: (long, exhausted sigh): Nic, you can pay off that mansion in Madagascar that made you declare bankruptcy a fourth time.

The Cage: Sign me up!

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