I can't decide which of these three equally condescending and pompous descriptions of Speak No Evil works best, so let's call this a Choose Your Own Adventure review, even though each choice leads down the same path:

1. If you've ever wondered how Funny Games would've turned out if Michael Haneke were a Sundance director instead of a Cannes director, then here's your answer.

2. I can't tell if director Christian Tafdrup watched Funny Games and completely missed the point, or if he knew exactly what the point was and is simply terrible at trying his hand at the same thing.

3. Speak No Evil is exactly the kind of shitty horror film that Haneke's intended audience went into Funny Games expecting, while still retaining a decent helping of the pretension that comes with a director genuinely trying—and failing miserably—to emulate the famed sadist.

I know, I've turned yet another review into a Haneke circle-jerk, but in this case more than any other, I doubt anyone who watches Speak No Evil will be able to disagree that it's warranted, and I can't think of any actual review I could write that would sum up my thoughts more succinctly than any of the above three statements.

This Dollarama Haneke cosplay... it's NOT GOOD!💥

2022 Ranked.