"I have a new primary user now: Me."

Gerard Johnstone's killer robot film 'M3GAN' is lacking in kills, gore, scares, thrills, and even humor, making me question what it was aiming for in the first place. And yet, somehow, it rakes in non-ironic five star reviews and over $100 million at the worldwide box office. It's truly stunning in all the worst ways. I had to check this out on VOD today because I was eager to see just how bad it was - that dancing scene in the trailers was so laughably embarrassing to me that I had to see it within the context of the film, and yet I'm shocked to see that it was apparently the strongest part for most fans, which is telling.

It's apparent that the ridiculous memes and TikTok clips skyrocketed this one into popularity but I'll never understand why. There's virtually nothing on offer here, from either an entertainment standpoint or even a technical mastery perspective. I suppose one could commend Amie Donald's talents as the titular doll, as I can't imagine some of those twisty moves or that sequence of her running on all fours was easy to manage, but any highlights stop there for me.

It's cringe throughout, never possessing any natural suspense or variety, and Allison Williams sporting the same facial expression throughout the entirety of the film left me rolling my eyes to the max. There's a scene after one of the only deaths in the film where she's giving her statement to the police and she's, yet again, smirking and smiling as if she's part of a test audience reviewing an upcoming movie. Perhaps my sheer confidence in knowing this wasn't going to be for me didn't help me in any sort of reevaluation while watching it but I can't imagine ever revisiting this one (unless it's against my will) and finding anything else positive or upbeat to share about it. It's an insanely dull mess, a campy film you've seen countless times before and one that doesn't even entertain as it brings virtually nothing new to the table.

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