• Talk to Me

    Talk to Me

    ★★★½

    I have said this before, but anyone who looks upon their younger school years with any kind of serious nostalgia is looking through rose colored glasses, through eyes that are inches in front of a rollicking ongoing brain aneurysm.

    Being a kid sucks. Sure, you don’t have any responsibilities that matter, but that’s mostly because no one will trust you not to fuck up anything more complex than the mostly linear transportation from point A to point B of a…

  • The Mean One

    The Mean One

    ★½

    My SO has an unnatural love for How the Grinch Stole Christmas, which I certainly watched as a child, and remember enjoying, but mostly because it meant one 8 p.m. half hour per year when I wasn’t subjected to The Mod Squad, Hello Larry or its similar ilk. But my SO, who bought the DVD years ago to watch at will, genuinely loves that Karloff-croaked animal abuser, so when this slasher “parody” showed up on the Magical Piracy Machine, well,…

  • The Road Dog

    The Road Dog

    ★★½

    Okay, some context before we get into this: I did stand up comedy around New England for about ten or twelve years, starting in 1993, which was exactly when the bottom fell out of the 80s comedy boom. You see, in the 80s, all these brand new cable TV channels needed cheap content to fill their broadcast days, and stand up showcases like Night at the Improv and Caroline’s Comedy Hour, filled with comedians willing to take SAG minimum in…

  • Lou

    Lou

    ★★½

    Look, I don’t begrudge an older actor with a reputation for serious thespian shit looking at Liam Neeson’s light-as-a-fart, but lucrative, filmography since Taken and taking a run at a parallel late career path in action schlock. Acting for “love of the craft” is for high school and college drama club kids trying to get laid, adult community theater troupe members trying to have an affair, and rubes. For everyone else, that mortgage bill comes in every month, whether you’re…

  • Locked In

    Locked In

    ★★

    The holidays can be difficult, with all the getting together with family, and the subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, reopening of old wounds long closed with time, Irish whiskey, wisdom, scotch, distance, rye, experience, bourbon, whiskey, and, on tricky nights, pure corn ethanol.

    Sometimes the best way to handle the situation is to pour everyone a stiff drink, fire up Netflix, and put on something like Locked In, a modernized English parlor / manners mystery set in a mansion…

  • Christmas Crime Story

    Christmas Crime Story

    ★½

    My folks bought a new TV a few weeks ago, and it has motion smoothing turned on. It’s horrible. Everything on it looks like a VHS playback of a 1989 high school play shot with an over-the-shoulder RCA camcorder. I have informed my parents of this technological apocalypse occurring in their living room, but have been told that they like the picture, and to leave the TV alone, despite my implied threat that, if the TV doesn’t get fixed, neither…

  • The Creator

    The Creator

    ★★½

    The last time I was in a movie theater, it was to see a Star Wars movie, Jesus Christ, damn near four years ago. I haven’t felt a need to return since, thanks to upgrading to a 77-inch 4K TV with Dolby Atmos surround sound, and a global plague, but today I found myself traveling on business, in town three hours before check-in time at my hotel, with a movie theater right next door, so I strapped on an N-95…

  • Bushwick

    Bushwick

    ★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    For a while when I was in my 20s, I dated a girl who came from money, and since we were in our 20s, that meant I inherited all her bougie friends from college. One evening, I was informed that we were going to meet a couple of her old buddies to “hang out,” which, to me, a 28-year-old chainsmoking drunkard who spent more nights than not ensconced at the bars at the back of comedy clubs, fraternizing with colleagues…

  • No One Will Save You

    No One Will Save You

    ★★★½

    I will start by asserting that the fact that Kaitlyn Dever, the actress who plays the protagonist in No One Will Save You, looks almost exactly like a girl I dated in college had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on whether or not I wanted the character to escape the aliens and prevail, or be probed, dissected and preserved in formaldehyde somewhere between Earth and the Carina Nebula.

    Brynn is a young woman living in a small town somewhere in America…

  • Grizzly Man

    Grizzly Man

    ★★★

    I’m not gonna write too much about Grizzly Man, because I was utterly not in the correct headspace when we spun it up, and because of that, recognized that I have not watched enough Warner Herzog movies to properly appreciate what I think he was probably going for with this documentary.

    We watched it because it has been a long-ass week, and we were in the mood for something like Roar, where some deluded dingbat decides that giant carnivores with…

  • Thirteen Women

    Thirteen Women

    ★★½

    It can be a weird and jarring experience to watch really old movies, man. Because you can kinda tell that Thirteen Ghosts was probably socially conscious Oscar bait for its time, with its underlying theme of the dangers and unintended consequences of xenophobia and racism, but then it has to go and remind you that it’s 1932, and deliver the message via a whitewashed, murderous, exotic Indian character with evil Dracula superpowers.

    Okay, there’s thirteen women who were sorority sisters…

  • The Andromeda Strain

    The Andromeda Strain

    ★★

    In the face of an impending plague that threatens the lives of millions of Americans, the United States government spares no expense creating a facility where a crack team of expert scientists can toil sleeplessly on their mission to prevent the spread of HAHAHAHAHAHA okay, lemme start over.

    Here’s something I have learned from reading a bunch of his novels and seeing a bunch of his movies: Michael Crichton would have made one hell of a tabletop role playing game…